|Yes, I do look this bitchin'|
I've decided to become a Centurion.
I didn't initially plan on having this happen, but I just kept writing stuff and writing stuff and suddenly I found that I now have 100 posts on BreakMentalDown. But, as any Roman could tell you, that does not a Centurion make. It's also quite helpful that I engaged in the ritual slaughter of the Helvetii people and ensured nobody would ever use the Helvetica font.
Now that I have decided on this fate, I'm really not sure what I can do with my newfound Centurionism. Don't get me wrong, the feathery hats definitely qualify as “severely bitchin,'” but just try wearing one of those things out in public. LARPers will swarm around you, hailing you as a god, while women will ask if you got separated from your parents. Of course I didn't get separated, I drink blood!
I suppose I could walk around randomly shouting out “This is SPARTA!” but that would cause the “300” nerds to snivel and say “Doy, the '300' guys were Greek, not Roman, doy.” And I could proceed to mock them there for using “Doy” twice in the same sentence, but being a “300” fanboy is punishment enough. However, I probably won't do that, because they might stab me with their foam boffers.
This great power can't just fall by the wayside. I'd be doing a disservice to nearly 2000 years of Roman culture. Sure, I've never been to Rome, and I tend to agree with Voltaire that the Holy Roman Empire was none of the above, but I've earned the title, I'm going to use it.
I finally came to a conclusion of what my honorary title can do for me. Willard Scott. For those who don't know, Willard Scott was the original Ronald McDonald—while this has no relation to my statement, I just thought it's awesome—but more importantly, Willard runs a segment on The Today Show where he wishes happy 100th birthday to just about any yokel who can manage to not die for roughly 100 years. And that is where I belong.
|Keep smiling, clown. Keep smiling.|
People might point out writing 100 posts and aging to 100 are not on quite the same level. Well, I will point out that you are a “300” fanboy, and we all know the problems that go along with that. I will also say that as a centurion, I have real weaponry, and you need to back down. Willard knows the value of having his head attached to his body, and I will get on that program as a result.
And with this, I honor the Roman roots that have been thrust upon me. It might seem like I'm not living up to the name, but I probably forgot to mention that I plan on impaling Mr. Scott on some sort of medieval torture device (probably Mariah Carey's movie “Glitter”) and parading him through the town for all to gawk and bow down before me. Only after I have done this will I truly live up to my Centurion roots.
With that I say, happy Centennial Celebration, BreakMentalDown! Hear ye! Hear ye!