Monday, January 30, 2012

Go Truly Green, Go Greenland

That's it! I've had enough of it. People have been trashing Greenland ever since pretty much the dawn of time. “Iceland Jr.,” “Denmark's ugly stepson,” “Barren wasteland where there's absolutely no people, nor culture except becoming frozen to death in the horrendous wastelands of bodies,” and “Fritz.” All of these are some of the horrible descriptors lobbed at the most peaceful and wonderous of provinces. Take that, Ontario.

We need to embrace Greenland as not a boring province of Denmark, but as the future of all things great in this world.
Anyone who claims the Mercator projection is wrong, is wrong.
Greenland is actually much larger than Africa. Here is proof.

In the interest of full disclosure, the fine people at the Greenland Department of Get People to Go Where It's Absolutely Bone Chilling Cold (GDoGPtGWIABCC) definitely didn't pay me off to write this positive account of the bone chilling cold, this entire post is written as an act of love. An act of love for Greenland.

Where else can you go that looks disproportionately huge on a Mercator projection map? Don't even try and claim Antarctica. Greenlandians dislike that fake continent for trying to horn in on its greatness. But that's neither here nor there, Greenland is filled with love for all things—minus Antarctica... stupid penguins.

Greenland affords many opportunities not available elsewhere. As the vikings knew, you can wake up listening to ABBA music, spend all day playing on a stegosaurus and go to sleep where they shot the Lord of the Rings trilogy. No other place can claim this, especially not Sweden nor New Zealand.

Another great aspect of Greenland—there's no murder. Not because the people there are so kind and docile (which they are) but it's literally impossible to murder someone in this finest of lands. Getting poisoned, shot four times, beaten badly or wrapped up in a carpet and tossed off a bridge has no affect in Greenland. The happy air absolutely prevents death in a way that Rasputin could only dream of having.

You can feel free to bring some of your worst enemies to the gem of the Arctic Ocean and guillotine them to your hearts content, because they're just not going to die. Greenland wouldn't allow it. Well, that is the mystical underlord who rules over the land wouldn't allow it, but I'm not supposed to talk about him and his nefarious scheming. So I won't. Greenland rules.

In Greenland, there's no copyright
violations either!
Aside from the underlord (who I've only hypothetically talked about) I've noticed there are some other rabble rousers like Andrew Bird with his folksy form of irreverent faux protest have derided Greenland as a place where “souls go to dry out.” Apparently he bases this claim on the supposed extreme cold of the area, but this just doesn't hold up upon closer inspection. What's really great about Greenland is it actually doesn't get cold. This isn't like the “It's green” advertising slogan the vikings tried using back at the turn of the millennium. Anything some people might call “cold,” we just refer to as “Happy Air.” And boy, is it happily fun!

There's a lot of happy air in Greenland. A whole lot.

So, I bet you're feeling awfully silly for having such a negative image of Greenland for so long, right? I'm quite happy I could straighten you out on this issue. If you want to just turn over your life and move to Greenland right at the end of this sentence, that's really no surprise. Go ahead and do it.

Sure, I haven't technically moved to Greenland, I've basically moved there in my heart of all hearts. And you should too. Except, you should actually move there, because Greenland is just about one of the best places to ever exist. Thank you all you fabulous Greenlandians, all 56,000 of you, you make a phenomenal province and a fantastic place to live. And thank most of all to the GdoGPtGWIABCC, I love you.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

MP3 Players' Shuffle needs to be shuffled up

Awww, cute kitties!
How unexpected!
Oh wow, Bruce Springsteen's “Land of Hope and Dreams!” This is a really awesome song! Hey, “Land of Hope and Dreams” came up on shuffle again. This is kind of odd since I have it on non-repeat, and I have several thousand songs on my MP3 player. And they are not all “Land of Hope and Dreams,”... which is now playing again for the third time.

For some reason, shuffle never seems to work on MP3 players. One would assume shuffle would you know, shuffle things. Instead, it chooses its own pet songs that it shoves down the listener's throats. Sure, sometimes this pet project can result in the repetition of songs that are good, but any song when played so many times gets put into the automatic skip file.

They're still cute. Even just
a couple pixels later.
And the skip file seems to make the MP3 player think it has something to prove. It's like “What? You don't like 'Rabid Child?; By They Might Be Giants? What? Here, you need to listen to it several more times. Just think about it. Imagine yourself as the titular child. One that has gone rabid. Then you'll probably see the hidden meaning of it. Oh, and then you'll listen to it again.

He's cleaning her.
When I worked at a public relations job, one of my clients was a dentist who recorded a radio commercial about his “cavity free guarantee.” I downloaded the MP3 and it somehow made its way onto my player. I can safely say I hear about the cavity free guarantee more than I hear stuff from David Bowie. I'm well aware I could delete the song, but that would just cause my player to choose a different one to foist upon me—one that might not talk about tooth decay, and nobody wants that.

I realize I am oversimplifying things. The songs usually don't come up one right after the other, but within an hour of listening time, there's at least one song that will play multiple times. I also realize that with true randomness, it is entirely possible that a song could play three times in a row. But in a world where I have several thousand songs on said MP3 player, the odds of this happening seem miniscule.

So... cats.
Here's another great oversimplification I can use. Were an MP3 player's shuffle function to shuffle cards in a Vegas casino, they'd most likely be taken to the back and have their shuffling fingers “fixed.” And by “fixed,” I mean “broken.”

With all these rants about the weakness of shuffle, I'll continue using it. Because, why wouldn't I? The joy of having 3,000 songs at hand is that I have 3,000 songs at hand. I don't need to listen to one CD all the time, I don't need to listen to the same artist back to back to back. Yes, there are those odd repeats, but there's also a smorgasbord of other songs yearning to break through. And they do, which is why I will continue to listen to them.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Paula Deen Battles Diabetes with Deliculin, the Delicious Insulin

When matronly maven Paula Deen announced she had Type 2 Diabetes last week, it raised much ire. No, not because of her contracting a nearly incurable disease, but because she took so long to announce her diagnosis—over three years.

"Deliculin--it's delicious... and insulin!" The slogan
basically writes itself.
What these critics don't realize is Ms. Deen knows what she's doing. Why take three years to announce something this big, especially when it could affect your livelihood and ability to appear on television? Well, aside from the fact that it could affect her livelihood and ability to appear on television, it was because she was building a new type of super insulin. One not just for Type 1 diabetics, but one any and everyone can use (but probably shouldn't). It's called, Deliculin, the delicious insulin.

Deliculin, made by diabetes product manufacturer Novo Nordisk, is like normal insulin—which brings glucose into the blood cells—except it tastes delicious. Most Type 2 diabetics do not need to use insulin, it's only when their blood sugar control goes to crap they resort to it. However, if there's a delicious insulin that tastes like frosted fried chicken swimming in butter, Type 2s might intentionally get switched to an insulin regiment, because, yum.

As a Type 1 diabetic, I fully support this groundbreaking research.

“And it smells amazing too!” claimed Deen on the unveiling of the product. One of the more offsetting features of insulin is it has an awful medical-ly smell. It's like a big vial of band-aids in liquid form. With flavored and pleasant smelling insulin, I'm certain my old roommate's brother would have actually loved it when I drunkenly sprayed him with insulin at three in the morning, as opposed to the tantrum he (apparently) threw.

Deen didn't just showcase the frankenfoodcure, she showcased the delicious eats possible with just the smallest application of Deliculin. Included in the cooking demonstration were how to bring insulin into everyday cooking. From beta cell coated carrots to islet ice cream, everything looked absolutely delicious. The piece de resistance was a Deliculin basted turkey stuffed with high carb stuffing.

“People have been putting insulin into themselves for years with syringes. And what's a turkey baster, but basically a big syringe for a bird?” Deen quipped.

Frankly, this whole move doesn't surprise me. I knew she always planned ahead. Like that time when she slayed that Sasquatch, I said to myself “She's never going to be able to use all that meat. It's all going to spoil, and then we're out a cryptozoological mainstay.” What she came up with though, was amazing. Sasquatch steaks, Yeti's Pie, Gruel, and deep fried Yeti lung were the basic items. She even marinated its eyes in butter and served it as an amazing appetizer. Heck, it wouldn't even surprise me if she was the boy who cried diabetes in this case just to use that as a marketing hook.

And finally, those who have read the Wikipedia page on “Insulin Therapy” might have noticed how they claimed oral insulin doesn't actually work. Something about being hard to get a protein like insulin to actually absorb correctly. Well, Paula Deen is just that magical, that she overcame that quandary... or it was vandalism... or diabetes doesn't actually exist. All of those are very valid solution and attest to her A1C tipping greatness.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Justin Bieber Stays "Home Alone" This Winter

Justin Bieber Stays “Home Alone” this Winter

LOS ANGELES, Jan 19, 2012/ - For anyone who's afraid pop star Justin Bieber might be left “Home Alone” this Christmas, those fears are justified. The teen idol will do exactly that as 20th Century Fox Films just signed him to star in a remake of the 1990 classic “Home Alone.” Now the paint cans and Micro Machines, broken ornaments and flamethrowers that made the first one so much fun will join with the singer's talents to make a hilarious romp for the whole family.

“Don't forget me this Christmas, LOL,” Bieber tweeted to his over 16 million followers to announce the completion of the deal.

Justin Bieber is in Home Alone
Already a pop music mainstay, Justin
Bieber plans to take the box office by
storm with "Home Alone."
While the script is still in the revision process, Christopher Columbus, who directed the original and will executive produce the remake, says he knows this is the role Bieber was born to play.

“Justin is just a natural born star who's ready to take over film. One of the worst parts about the original 'Home Alone' is Macaulay Culkin was such an unknown, you didn't know what to expect from him,” says Columbus. “With Justin, you know he's a fantastic singer, and he just might launch into a rendition of 'Baby' to scare off the bad guys. Who knows?”

Columbus also points out Culkin has been offered a prime cameo role in the new version. But he coyly refuses to say if it's playing one of the parents, or maybe even one of the “Wet Bandits”—roles made famous by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.

Bieber intentionally did not schedule any concert stops for this spring because he knew the film would shoot in Vancouver during early 2012. With the contracts officially signed, the script should finish its revisions phase by the end of the month and a director will be selected soon afterwards. 

Simply titled "Home Alone," the movie should make its way to the screen for the holiday season of 2012. Producers are aiming for a Thanksgiving week release.

This year will be remarkably busy for the pint-sized crooner. In addition to taking the starring role in “Home Alone,” he will try his hand at producing the film as well. “Believe,” his forthcoming album will also drop in the later part of summer 2012, after he wraps his duties on “Home Alone.”

The original “Home Alone,” one of the most successful comedies of all time, premiered in 1990 and went on to gross over $530 million dollars internationally. It made lead actor Macaulay Culkin into a star and spawned several sequels.

Twentieth Century Fox Film, a division of News Corp., is a leading supplier of entertainment content domestically and around the world.

Monday, January 16, 2012

It's Truly "American" to Criticize "Idol"

In total, I've watched roughly three hours of “American Idol” in my life. The amount of time I've wasted watching this show unique qualifies me as an expert on the source, so everything I say in the following paragraphs should be taken as gospel and assumed to be true.

Five Things to Expect on “American Idol” in 2012
“American Idol,” the old warhorse of the singing competition shows featured a creative resurgence last year with the additions of Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez as judges. While they ended up choosing an awful winner (Scotty McCreery), choosing actual zombies to run the competition earned the show raves.

For the season 11, producer Nigel Lythgoe will realize these little tweaks resulted in slightly better ratings. Massive tweaks will result in vintage American Idol-style ratings and vintage style zombie attacks—none of the increasingly faster zombies like on the “Walking” Dead. Don't be surprised if the following five predictions come true, possibly on the same night!

Introducing Skippy, your 2012
American Idol.
One Man Bands – from Jason Castro to someone playing piano to the various joke characters who play keytar, everyone loves a good singer who also happens to play an instrument. Although Lythgoe limited use of instruments during the 2011 cycle, it will come roaring back with a vengeance on the backs of one man bands. Imagine someone who can not only sing, but also play a bass drum on their back, knee cymbals, leg maracas, tambourines and a strategically placed kazoo (ear). Expect at least three One Man Bands to advance to the top 12.

GeekCore night – in an attempt to alienate just about everyone possible, one theme will be GeekCore night. People who watch Idol will hate this, and hipsters who like GeekCore will loathe it. A version of Jonathan Coulton's “RE: Your Brains” will add to the disconnect of theme and audience. It will go down in history as the only night where one person, the shaded portion of the GeekCore/Idol Venn diagram will vote.

I've Seen this Before – while American Idol launched the current wave of music competitions, this doesn't mean it's above entering the fray with “The X-Factors” and “Voices” of the world (please note lack of “The Sing Off” in this statement). Expect J.Lo and co to co-opt the coaching aspect into “Idol.” While they'll still be known as judges, don't be surprised to see an Aerosmith theme night with judge Steven Tyler serving as coa... ermmm, “special judge who coaches people, but isn't a coach to differentiate from other shows.” Randy can also sit in, because only he can use all of his talent and experience to teach people how to be the guy who sits on the left

Simon says "My turf!"
Jennifer Lopez activates self as contestant – it's not like J.Lo has anything else going on in either music or movies... or life for that matter. Maybe this could help relaunch her career. However, she'll be sorely disappointed when she loses to a 16-year-old girl from Des Moines, IA during the quarterfinal rounds.

Turf War – With dueling music reality shows both airing on FOX, a turf war will inevitably arise. When they foolishly theme a night around “West Side Story,” switchblades will fly between “Idol” and “Factor.” Simon will come out snapping as Paula readies her switchblade. Randy point out “When You're an Idol, You're an Idol All the Way” before jumping into the skirmish. Sadly, his lacerations will be “totally not cool dawg.” Ryan Seacrest, Tony to Nicole Scherzinger's Maria, will also succumb to the inherent violence of turf wars. (Cowell's reaction to the death of most of his current and former coworkers

Obviously you can see, this is bound to be a great year. I'm calling it right now, second most bloodshed in a singing reality competition since Taylor Hicks won in season five.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I'd knock over anything to bring back POGs

Black Ranger! Freakazoid! Jim McMahon! Ace Ventura! Anyone paying attention to pop culture during the week of March 6, 1995 knows what I'm talking about can only mean one thing. It can only mean POGs.

Yes, this is my collection. No, you can't win it,
because I am a much better POGger than you.
Well, that and pop culture from the week of March 6, 1995, but those go hand in hand. For those who have no idea what a “Jim McMahon” is, let me explain. POGs were little discs of awesome 4cm in diameter. Kids would stack them on top of each other an use even bigger discs of awesome (slammers) to knock them over. If any landed face up (or down), the player who knocked them got to keepsie them. That is everything you need to know about POGs.

Looking to relive my favorite week of 1995 (even surpassing my “burning an effigy of Val Kilmer for 'Batman Forever' week”) I went out and purchased some POGs. That, in and of itself, was not the easiest of tasks. It seems like other people realize we're not living 17 years in the past and thus don't have those products (no Hidden Treasures cereal either). As a result, I needed to go on Ebay and order up ,my POGs. However, Ebay presented its own problems, because people seemed to think they were valuable collector's items and were listing them for 75 cents a POG. Even foils couldn't claim that value!

I did eventually find someone who parted with 75 for $3.50 shipped. Quite the deal there. If only I had a time machine, I could go back several years and sell them for their face value of a dime apiece and suddenly find myself with a four dollar profit.

But alas, I decided to bring them to work and challenge the local street gangs to a couple rounds. When I was growing up and everyone warned me about avoiding those street toughs who “did nothing but play POGs,” I never actually realized they didn't actually play the game. I guess it was just some cautionary tale to keep me out of a gang or prevent me from wasting time playing a silly game. All it actually did was cause me to create my own POGs out of poster board that I glued together and somehow convinced people to let me in on their games.

When I brought my POGs to work, nobody wanted to play. I understand, maybe they were just afraid of losing their bitchin' “Brave Little Toaster” pieces, but I even promised we could play “no keepsies,” and they weren't for it. Even after I offered to give them my bitchin' “Brave Little Toaster” pieces, so I could win them back, they refused to play. Just ignored me and went back to texting.

This actually reminds me of the last time I tried bringing POGs back from the dead in 2006. I tried getting the International Olympic Committee to include this awesome sport as part of the winter OR summer Olympics. But nope, it didn't happen—and my bribe was even better than those crazies who thought they could get Bridge recognized as a “sport.” A lot of good either of our bribes did. You'll note,

Even that reminded me further back of when I tried bringing them back in 1999 when I was a ninth grader. I'll never forget those upperclassmen and their glare as they said to me “Quit... playing... POGs...” Obviously, that freaked me out quite a bit. They were UPPERclassmen. Tenth graders at the least, most likely 11th graders. Even as a 27 year old today, that still freaks me out—I mean, they had double digits to describe the level of class they were. That ended that POG resurrection.

This brings me to now. I've tried bringing back POGs on several failed occasions. It hasn't worked. But maybe this time, it will—I do have the Black Ranger on my side. Either way, I definitely have a calling card now—or at the very least, a business card.

Monday, January 9, 2012

With AMBIVALENCE, Mouth Breathers Unite

We just want to take in fresh air. We just want to live a normal life. We just want to not be called slack-jawed yokels. We are the Association of Mouth Breathing Individuals Very Against Losers Endorsing Nasally Conducted Exhalation, or AMBIVALENCE.

Our aims and desires are simple, we want breathing through the mouth, AKA the largest orifice on the face, to not only be accepted, but celebrated. With this super large orifice, we want to take in a breath of fresh air and not be deemed “simple.”
Feel free to use the above badge in any
pro-Mouth Breathing events you attend.

As mouth breathers, we're not trying to push some sort of “Mouth Breathing agenda.” Sure, our name features a slam on those nasal breathers, but really that's all in good fun (and when it comes to acronyms, there's always going to be wasted letters—I'm looking at you, Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation).

One day “mouth breather” won't be used as an insult, but a celebration of our joyous culture that includes everyone from Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder all the way up to George Clooney (who is assumed to be a closeted mouth breather). In those glorious times, no longer will people be mocked for doing what their body needs to survive. We have a dream that taking in large amounts of oxygen will be seen as an evolutionary advantage and not a causer of bad breath.

Our supporting research is substantial. Notice how when people do exhausting acts, they breathe through the mouth in order to, well, not die. This does a tremendous job of making them not die. That's right, mouth breathing saves people from suffocating. As mouth breathers, we don't do the opposite. There's no “I'm so exhausted, I'm going to breathe through my nose” going on. We do as we always do, take a breath of mouth. Or, as anyone in this situation refers to it, take a breath of life.

We at AMBIVALENCE are resolute in our dislike of Wikipedia's classification of us as “problematic” and filled with “Comorbidities.” Phrases like those hurt, especially when we figure out what they mean. Already it's pretty harsh, but when you compare it to the same community that describes Josef Stalin as “Teddy-bear-esque,” you realize there are quite a few problems with this classification. We have no ambivalence about our dislike of Wikipedia's hurtful denouncements.

As previously mentioned, we're just people who want to live and breathe normally. Who cares if we don't have nose hairs in our mouth that filter out and warm up air. That's overated anyway. All we care about is sustaining life, and mouth breathing accomplishes that—no AMBIVALENCE about it.

One of the main reasons people so dislike mouth breathers is because of the slack jawed yokel approach. Many people (Wikipedia included) proclaim yokels are the ones who mouth breathe. While I'm strongly against that concept,

We've prepared a series of short Public Service Announcements to get out the word about AMBIALENCE's cause. You will no doubt be seeing these spots at the Super Bowl, during “Two and a Half Men” and within any anti-Meth PSA, because odds are, lack of being able to breathe like the body wants is driving those illicit desires. Stand tall with Mouth Breathing, and meth will be a thing of the past.

Feel free to pass them along and let the revolution be heard. We can guarantee you, it will be a breath of fresh air.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Haircut cuts worse than a butcher's blade

I've been butchered.

No, not like those delightful butcherings where I get to hang by a pointy hook and travel across various conveyors while my entrails drag behind me in a macabre version of jump rope. Not like those happy guys, I couldn't be that lucky. Instead, I got butchered by a bad haircut.
It's so short, it makes me sad. Yes, that
is what she said.

I always thought my short hair style and general male nature would make me immune to this phenomenon. However, a truly bad stylist can cut through these theories and leave me in my current state of unattraction. When she heard I wear my hair in “short spikes,” she stopped paying attention after the first syllable and basically gave me a buzzcut without using a razor on top of my head.

A fair amount of the blame does go in my direction though. My choice of hair cuttery did no reflect the highest of choices. No Regis Hair Salon for this boy. No, the place I went to was called “Genuine Salon,” and, to put it cleverly, it genuinely sucked. But I knew that going in. The only reason I frequented this place is I had a frequent haircut card there.

Wait a minute, I questioned its quality, but I kept going back? Not only that, I kept going back enough times to completely fill out a frequent users' card? That seems to not make any sense! So, how did I get stuck in that bad cut loop? After the first one, I should have realized something was up, but here's how they roped me in. The first time I cut there, a younger person did my hair. Not only did she give me a trendy-ish cut, I could actually understand her, so we could talk about awful things like “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.”

After that first cut, I had one punch on my nine punch card set. I figured I was over 11 percent there, at $10, the price was low and the cut decent. Fair deal.

The second cut wasn't nearly as good, the older one (and the one who would provide nine of my 10 haircuts) did the cut. But it passed well enough, and another 11 percent went towards my freebie. The third one, she took my sideburns.
If only I had Don Mattingly's luxurious sideburns.
Really, at that point I should have stopped going, but that stupid card kept me coming back. Even when they jacked up the prices 50 percent, my frequent cutter card carried me through. I mean, even the owner of the place explained to me “Yes, we did raise the prices, but you're two away from a free hair cut, so it equals out to the normal cost.”

While that logic really didn't make sense, it did make me go back to get my eighth and ninth paid ones before locking down my 10th one. The bizarre thing is, at the end of this two year journey, the final cut turned out the worst.

It's not like she recognized me and figured she'd butcher my hair as a parting gift (nobody comes back after 10) but that's the thing, she didn't recognize me. Basically every time I went in there, I told her the exact same things—I work retail, my girlfriend works with wildlife and I work retail (yes, twice). Were this a massive revenge plot, she might have shown some recollection of me, although that might have all been part of the plan.

This whole ordeal leaves me with a bad haircut, but worse than that, I now have to find a new place to get my hairs trimmed. And I think the latter problem is going to be the biggest. While Genuine Salon might have been horrible, they were reliably horrible, and that's the best way to be butchered.

Monday, January 2, 2012

I must be resolute to achieve my 2012 2012 resolutions

When the new year approaches, many people choose one or two things they might resolve to fix by the end of the year. Although, after many bacchanalia-esque Martin Luther King Jr. Day parties, they will never live up to these resolutions.

Unlike those slackers, I actually live up to my resolutions. And the reason I can do this is I don't just choose a smattering of things I should change, I go whole hog and think up many things to change. That way, if one gets to hard, I can shift my attention and focus on a different resolution.

For 2012, I have decided on 2012 resolutions that come December 31 will be done, in the books and making me feel like a better person about myself. Why did I choose 2012 resolutions, you ask. Well, let me just say, it's not because of the year we're in.

Without further ado, here is my 2012 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Poison less, stab more (poisoned blades are a gray area)
2. Create glow-in-the-dark glowsticks.
3. Clone a shark everyday until I have the best tasting frankenfood ever conceived
4. Create an exercise trend where people burn calories by giving me money and/or pie
5. Kill Bill from Kill Bill Vol 1.
6. Figure out a way to construct a termite orphanage (note to self, metal walls)
7. Find out where the guy who played Jason on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers lives. Stalk.
8. Be sure to drink my Ovaltine
9. Stop turning into Ashton Kutcher
10. Become the official mascot of Cheyenne, WY
11. Create a line of clip art dedicated to vice presidents. “Accidentally” leave out Rutherford B. Hayes' VP (whose name I won't even dignify with printing)
12. Purchase new Mayan calendar
13. Perform a stage version of Being John Malkovich where all roles are played by marionette puppets
14. Figure out how to infuse Eggo flavoring and texture into normal waffle iron waffles
No Kevin! This has to stop!
15. Devise some way to combine flint and steel in some sort of fire giving creation
16. Create an omnibus candy that's 50 percent Milk Dud, 40 percent Junior Mint and 10 percent love
17. Learn the alphabet in alphabetical order (tried in the past, but that LNMPO hook always gets me)
18. Pass the sixth grade
19. Create a reboot of “Cowboys and Aliens”
20. End my party from New Year's Eve 2006
21. Steal cold fusion technology from Elizabeth Shue
22. Go viral by catching some form of super plague bacteria cold chlamydia flu
23. Realize the name “Termite Orphanage” would make a great band name
24. Eat the whole thing
25. Reanimate the dead in a non-pandemic causing fashion
26. Nachos
27. Go back to 1985 so I can ride with Marty McFly into 1955 and then back to an altered 1985, which will then allow me to get to a 2015 where I can finally get a hoverboard
28. Get my own show on NBC
29. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day
30. Lower sodium intake by replacing salt with white sprinkles
31. Get the term “Bitchin' Sauce” added back to the Oxford English Dictionary
32. Skip a few, 99, 2011
2012. Realize I can skip several thousand resolutions and nobody will notice