Monday, January 2, 2012

I must be resolute to achieve my 2012 2012 resolutions

When the new year approaches, many people choose one or two things they might resolve to fix by the end of the year. Although, after many bacchanalia-esque Martin Luther King Jr. Day parties, they will never live up to these resolutions.

Unlike those slackers, I actually live up to my resolutions. And the reason I can do this is I don't just choose a smattering of things I should change, I go whole hog and think up many things to change. That way, if one gets to hard, I can shift my attention and focus on a different resolution.

For 2012, I have decided on 2012 resolutions that come December 31 will be done, in the books and making me feel like a better person about myself. Why did I choose 2012 resolutions, you ask. Well, let me just say, it's not because of the year we're in.

Without further ado, here is my 2012 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Poison less, stab more (poisoned blades are a gray area)
2. Create glow-in-the-dark glowsticks.
3. Clone a shark everyday until I have the best tasting frankenfood ever conceived
4. Create an exercise trend where people burn calories by giving me money and/or pie
5. Kill Bill from Kill Bill Vol 1.
6. Figure out a way to construct a termite orphanage (note to self, metal walls)
7. Find out where the guy who played Jason on Mighty Morphin Power Rangers lives. Stalk.
8. Be sure to drink my Ovaltine
9. Stop turning into Ashton Kutcher
10. Become the official mascot of Cheyenne, WY
11. Create a line of clip art dedicated to vice presidents. “Accidentally” leave out Rutherford B. Hayes' VP (whose name I won't even dignify with printing)
12. Purchase new Mayan calendar
13. Perform a stage version of Being John Malkovich where all roles are played by marionette puppets
14. Figure out how to infuse Eggo flavoring and texture into normal waffle iron waffles
No Kevin! This has to stop!
15. Devise some way to combine flint and steel in some sort of fire giving creation
16. Create an omnibus candy that's 50 percent Milk Dud, 40 percent Junior Mint and 10 percent love
17. Learn the alphabet in alphabetical order (tried in the past, but that LNMPO hook always gets me)
18. Pass the sixth grade
19. Create a reboot of “Cowboys and Aliens”
20. End my party from New Year's Eve 2006
21. Steal cold fusion technology from Elizabeth Shue
22. Go viral by catching some form of super plague bacteria cold chlamydia flu
23. Realize the name “Termite Orphanage” would make a great band name
24. Eat the whole thing
25. Reanimate the dead in a non-pandemic causing fashion
26. Nachos
27. Go back to 1985 so I can ride with Marty McFly into 1955 and then back to an altered 1985, which will then allow me to get to a 2015 where I can finally get a hoverboard
28. Get my own show on NBC
29. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day
30. Lower sodium intake by replacing salt with white sprinkles
31. Get the term “Bitchin' Sauce” added back to the Oxford English Dictionary
32. Skip a few, 99, 2011
2012. Realize I can skip several thousand resolutions and nobody will notice

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