Monday, January 9, 2012

With AMBIVALENCE, Mouth Breathers Unite

We just want to take in fresh air. We just want to live a normal life. We just want to not be called slack-jawed yokels. We are the Association of Mouth Breathing Individuals Very Against Losers Endorsing Nasally Conducted Exhalation, or AMBIVALENCE.

Our aims and desires are simple, we want breathing through the mouth, AKA the largest orifice on the face, to not only be accepted, but celebrated. With this super large orifice, we want to take in a breath of fresh air and not be deemed “simple.”
Feel free to use the above badge in any
pro-Mouth Breathing events you attend.

As mouth breathers, we're not trying to push some sort of “Mouth Breathing agenda.” Sure, our name features a slam on those nasal breathers, but really that's all in good fun (and when it comes to acronyms, there's always going to be wasted letters—I'm looking at you, Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation).

One day “mouth breather” won't be used as an insult, but a celebration of our joyous culture that includes everyone from Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder all the way up to George Clooney (who is assumed to be a closeted mouth breather). In those glorious times, no longer will people be mocked for doing what their body needs to survive. We have a dream that taking in large amounts of oxygen will be seen as an evolutionary advantage and not a causer of bad breath.

Our supporting research is substantial. Notice how when people do exhausting acts, they breathe through the mouth in order to, well, not die. This does a tremendous job of making them not die. That's right, mouth breathing saves people from suffocating. As mouth breathers, we don't do the opposite. There's no “I'm so exhausted, I'm going to breathe through my nose” going on. We do as we always do, take a breath of mouth. Or, as anyone in this situation refers to it, take a breath of life.

We at AMBIVALENCE are resolute in our dislike of Wikipedia's classification of us as “problematic” and filled with “Comorbidities.” Phrases like those hurt, especially when we figure out what they mean. Already it's pretty harsh, but when you compare it to the same community that describes Josef Stalin as “Teddy-bear-esque,” you realize there are quite a few problems with this classification. We have no ambivalence about our dislike of Wikipedia's hurtful denouncements.

As previously mentioned, we're just people who want to live and breathe normally. Who cares if we don't have nose hairs in our mouth that filter out and warm up air. That's overated anyway. All we care about is sustaining life, and mouth breathing accomplishes that—no AMBIVALENCE about it.

One of the main reasons people so dislike mouth breathers is because of the slack jawed yokel approach. Many people (Wikipedia included) proclaim yokels are the ones who mouth breathe. While I'm strongly against that concept,

We've prepared a series of short Public Service Announcements to get out the word about AMBIALENCE's cause. You will no doubt be seeing these spots at the Super Bowl, during “Two and a Half Men” and within any anti-Meth PSA, because odds are, lack of being able to breathe like the body wants is driving those illicit desires. Stand tall with Mouth Breathing, and meth will be a thing of the past.

Feel free to pass them along and let the revolution be heard. We can guarantee you, it will be a breath of fresh air.

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