Monday, January 16, 2012

It's Truly "American" to Criticize "Idol"

In total, I've watched roughly three hours of “American Idol” in my life. The amount of time I've wasted watching this show unique qualifies me as an expert on the source, so everything I say in the following paragraphs should be taken as gospel and assumed to be true.

Five Things to Expect on “American Idol” in 2012
“American Idol,” the old warhorse of the singing competition shows featured a creative resurgence last year with the additions of Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez as judges. While they ended up choosing an awful winner (Scotty McCreery), choosing actual zombies to run the competition earned the show raves.

For the season 11, producer Nigel Lythgoe will realize these little tweaks resulted in slightly better ratings. Massive tweaks will result in vintage American Idol-style ratings and vintage style zombie attacks—none of the increasingly faster zombies like on the “Walking” Dead. Don't be surprised if the following five predictions come true, possibly on the same night!

Introducing Skippy, your 2012
American Idol.
One Man Bands – from Jason Castro to someone playing piano to the various joke characters who play keytar, everyone loves a good singer who also happens to play an instrument. Although Lythgoe limited use of instruments during the 2011 cycle, it will come roaring back with a vengeance on the backs of one man bands. Imagine someone who can not only sing, but also play a bass drum on their back, knee cymbals, leg maracas, tambourines and a strategically placed kazoo (ear). Expect at least three One Man Bands to advance to the top 12.

GeekCore night – in an attempt to alienate just about everyone possible, one theme will be GeekCore night. People who watch Idol will hate this, and hipsters who like GeekCore will loathe it. A version of Jonathan Coulton's “RE: Your Brains” will add to the disconnect of theme and audience. It will go down in history as the only night where one person, the shaded portion of the GeekCore/Idol Venn diagram will vote.

I've Seen this Before – while American Idol launched the current wave of music competitions, this doesn't mean it's above entering the fray with “The X-Factors” and “Voices” of the world (please note lack of “The Sing Off” in this statement). Expect J.Lo and co to co-opt the coaching aspect into “Idol.” While they'll still be known as judges, don't be surprised to see an Aerosmith theme night with judge Steven Tyler serving as coa... ermmm, “special judge who coaches people, but isn't a coach to differentiate from other shows.” Randy can also sit in, because only he can use all of his talent and experience to teach people how to be the guy who sits on the left

Simon says "My turf!"
Jennifer Lopez activates self as contestant – it's not like J.Lo has anything else going on in either music or movies... or life for that matter. Maybe this could help relaunch her career. However, she'll be sorely disappointed when she loses to a 16-year-old girl from Des Moines, IA during the quarterfinal rounds.

Turf War – With dueling music reality shows both airing on FOX, a turf war will inevitably arise. When they foolishly theme a night around “West Side Story,” switchblades will fly between “Idol” and “Factor.” Simon will come out snapping as Paula readies her switchblade. Randy point out “When You're an Idol, You're an Idol All the Way” before jumping into the skirmish. Sadly, his lacerations will be “totally not cool dawg.” Ryan Seacrest, Tony to Nicole Scherzinger's Maria, will also succumb to the inherent violence of turf wars. (Cowell's reaction to the death of most of his current and former coworkers

Obviously you can see, this is bound to be a great year. I'm calling it right now, second most bloodshed in a singing reality competition since Taylor Hicks won in season five.

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