Monday, March 21, 2011

No Need to Keep those Treasures Hidden

Equation for a Food Coma

Ahhh, cereal. I am a connoisseur. Everything from Corn Pops to Apple Jacks to Bill & Ted's Most Excellent cereal, I have eaten and loved them all. There is not one cereal that has not gone down my gullet, but there exists my one white whale—Hidden Treasures cereal.

For those who weren't cereal shopping during that one week it was available in 1993, let me explain to you the sheer awesomeness of this cereal. Hidden Treasures was a godsend given to the human race to make them a better species. It consisted of sweetened corn cereal, like Cap'n Crunch. Already now you're thinking it sounds great, but it gets better. As the name implies, Hidden Treasures held more than meets the eye. About every five pieces had Pixy Stix dust “hidden” inside!

Pixy Stix for breakfast? Might that just be the greatest concept ever? Even if you mashed up Crunch bars into a fine paste, then rolled it around in bits of 100 Grands, Mr. Goodbars, and Butterfingers before distilling it through some Whatchamacallits, you wouldn't approach the razzle dazzles that was Hidden Treasures. Heck, even if you added Razzles to that concoction, the sheer genius of breakfast Pixy Stix (as I hope Hidden Treasures was originally called).

My family only had Hidden Treasures one time. We went through that 14 oz box in an epic sleepover where my two brothers and I all had friends staying the night. The Hidden Treasures flowed like water. We squandered our supply, because we figured a cereal this epic would never go off the market.

Little did we know, we'd never see that cereal again. The next week it just wasn't at the grocery store. And it wasn't because everyone grabbed it all in a sugar-crazed rush, it just no longer existed. Even now, a look on ebay, a repository for all sorts of items from the food graveyard—from OK soda to Billy Beer—reveals nothing. There are absolutely no boxes of Hidden Treasures, not even memorabilia.

In the olden days, I might have distilled my own bootleg Hidden Treasures out of my bathtub. However, that's largely unhygenic and it would result in far too small of a production run to satisfy the millenials who crave the sugarness. But luckily, we live in the age of the internet.

If people can use the power of the internet to bring back Family Guy or make a teenage girl commit suicide, then we can definitely use it to bring back one of the greatest cereals of all time. If you just use this form, you can contact General Mills and tell them how much you demand this cereal. You can even claim to be a professional baker or an investor to further sway the cereal conglomerate into action.

And after contacting General Mills, feel free to go after Kellogg's. Contact Malt-O-Meal and Quaker Oats. You should and most contact anyone remotely associated with the cereal production game You could go after some of the bizarre British cereal producers I found on Wikipedia, but they might just want to produce some variation with blood pudding “hidden” inside. I think we can do without that one.

Once the cereal producers of the world have heard our call, they WILL produce our cereal. And once we get out from under that orgy of cereal goodness, we can feel safe in knowing there will be more where that came from. No longer will these treasures be hidden.

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