BLARE! MEEP! BLARE! HONK! BLARRRRRGH! REEZ-SOO-SEE-SOOO MEEP MEEP!
Oh no! Either your car is being stolen, or you are signing onto circa 1997 America On-line. Either way, you're in for a hell of a time.
But wait, there's the even more likely third possibility—nothing is happening to your car, it just decided to sound the alarm, and wake your neighbors, and wake your neighbor's cats, and cause the earth to stop spinning on its axis, and causes monks to break vows of silences, and make it so everyone gets really annoyed—that is, because there's the whole ending of all life... from that Earth stopping spinning on the axis thing.
|"Wait, there's a slightly annoying|
noise? I guess I'm not stealing
cars today! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
Car alarms serve no point. Have you ever been sitting around, heard a car alarm go off and launched into action with your harpoon gun at the ready, to foil a would be car thief? No. Even subtracting out the hyperbole of that statement (harpoons guns = instant hyperbole) nobody in the history of the world has ever said “Let's go clean up this city by stopping that car thief!”
In fact, there actually isn't ever a car thief. If you were to call a police station and very alarmedly tell them a car alarm is going off, their response would have to be, “....... so?” And rightfully so.
ALARM SAUCE! BITE THE WAX TADPOLE!
The worst part about car alarms is it never seems like they have the same method of turning off. Even on the same car, it seems to vary. If I accidentally hit the alarm button on my car remote, sometimes I just need to press it again, other times I need to put my key in the lock, or set the key in the ignition. Sometimes I need to sacrifice a living goat, but that only happened once back in June 2006, and I've never had to do it since. It was fortuitous I had just gone to the farmer's market and happened to have said goat with me.
ALOUETTE, GENTILE ALOUETTE! CHUD!
I realize cars being stolen are bad news. I'd certainly be upset if someone took my car, because that would greatly limit the amount of cereal I could transport and store (I currently have nine boxes of cereal in my trunk). But the solution of a car alarm actually doesn't work. Any car thief worth anything knows how to use Google to turn off said alarm. For those who haven't mastered Google, apparently covering up the alarm sounder with a sock works wonders. Yes, a sock.
RAZZLE DAZZLE! THE!
I think it's fairly obvious there are other ways to alert people of a potential stolen car. The most obvious is instead of sounding an insignificant alarm, it blasts out a jolt of electricity. TASER technology has reached the point where it can identify friend from foe. As a result, when someone twirling a mustache tries to get in your car, blam, incapacitated, but you are free to hop in and drive off with your livelihood intact.
Or hell, why not just shoot out a force field? I realize this is like a TASER, but it's even more powerful. Just imagine slicing through someone with car protection, and you know what I'm trying to achieve. Instead of a BLARE, it shoots out murder.
Sure, in this litigious society, an instigator of seemingly pointless force-fielding would probably be frowned upon, but that problem is easily solved when you use your awesome vehicle of death to force-field down the prime litigator in said class action lawsuit.
|Oh sorry Mr. Class Action Lawsuiter, my force field |
might have nicked you.
I DO NOT APPRECIATE BEING TREATED IN THIS MANNER! BOOOOO!! BOOOO!! THIS WHOLE SITUATION MAKES ME FEEL WORSE THAN DARCY DID IN THAT PIVOTAL EPISODE OF “DEGRASSI: THE NEXT GENERATION” WHEN SHE WAS DATE RAPED, AND DID NOT KNOW WHO DID IT, ALTHOUGH WE CAN ONLY HOPE IT WAS THAT DREAMBOAT OF A MAN, PETER STONE! AND FROM THAT SITUATION HE LEARNED THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS AND HE NEVER DID IT AGAIN!! BUT THEY NEVER ACTUALLY REVEALED WHO DID IT!!!!
I suppose I can support this alarm, but that is out of love, not fear. I can also support it being Marco.