Monday, April 18, 2011

Yahtzee Claims Three Victims at World Championships

Hey, after the tragedy that occurred in Birmingham this weekend at the World Yahtzee Tournament, I really don't feel like doing anything funny. Instead, I'm just going to reprint the AP story about the tournament. RIP you Yahtzee aficionados. I know you will be rolling strong in the afterlife!

Yahtzee Claims Three Victims at World Championships
Will this game ever stop causing murders?

BIRMINGHAM, AL (AP) Tragedy once again struck the World Yahtzee Tournament in Birmingham, AL this weekend. Three Yahtzeers were reported dead with dozens more in critical condition at St. Vincent's Hospital, Birmingham.

“Those Yahtzee players, or 'Yahtzeers' are a blight on this fair city,” says Otis Anderson, sheriff of Birmingham PD. “Without them there's no crime. With them, there's this. And this happens every year!”

A seemingly innocuous game hides dark secrets
Tensions rose early when team Live by the Die performed the reviled “Three” maneuver on fellow team Dice Rules (But Not Clay), another elite-level Yahtzee team. To “three” someone involves sneaking up to them and mashing the three-side of the die into their forehead. Known as “The Eyes of the Dark Satan,” threes are not just the weakest of all Yahtzee rolls, this psyche out leaves the four facing the masher's direction, and it's well known that four is a mystical Yahtzee number.

Reportedly the threeing actually drew blood from Dice Rules team member, Marty Rio. Had it stalled out there, more bloodshed might have been averted, but then Jorge Martinez, captain of Live by the Die, coolly claimed “This nerd blood will allow us to hit all of our small straights.”

In the world of Yahtzee, this is akin to insulting one's lineage or biting a thumb at someone. Carnage soon erupted with dice, cups and scorecards flying every which way. These lethal projectiles embedded themselves into others during what has become known as “The fourth bloodiest Yahtzee confrontation ever recorded.”

In addition to Marty Rio, this Yahtzee-fueled riot claimed the lives of Marshall Collins and Cody Mackeray.

Why does a seemingly innocuous game like Yahtzee cause so much chaos? Many people have their theories, but despite efforts from the governing body of Yahtzee, carnage goes hand in hand with this game.

“There are just too many dice in the game! The Monopoly tournament only has one die, and there's only been one death in that tournaments entire history,” says Yahtzee protestor Mary Caruso. “How many people most die before this abomination is relegated to the fringes of society?”

It's worth 50 points, but is it worth 50 lives?
But some come because they are expecting bloodshed.

“Have you ever tried murdering someone with a die before?” It's really frickin' hard!” says Tyler Fosse, a longtime Yahtzee spectator. “Basically, imagine killing someone with a feather... and well, then you've found something that's actually harder, but you get the idea.”

While many people view Yahtzee as just a fun game to play in the living room with family, there's a reason it has earned the underground nickname of “DeathBall.”

“It originally started out as 'Game of Blood,' but then the vampire geeks started subverting our culture,” says Fosse. “So a change was in order, and that change was 'DeathBall.' Sure, the dice aren't actually balls, but the deaths are amazing!”

The increased testosterone and uncertainty create an inherently pressure filled situation. And when combined with the possibilities of small straights, large straights or even Yahtzees!, tensions inevitably run high.

“Anyone who gets tied up with this game will have the scars to prove it,” says Roger Martinson, an Alabama state senator who has repeatedly tried banning the “game” from being played within his state line and hopefully worldwide.

But Milton Bradley, which publishes Yahtzee, didn't seem to care about the chaos such a simple game causes.

“Who the fuck cares if a couple people end up dead? It's going to happen, this is fucking Yahtzee we're talking about here, not the world championship of knitting,” says David Cormack, spokesman for Milton Bradley games.

It should be pointed out that at the last WCoK, a fatality did occur when Ethel Velick tried performing a triple purl maneuver and suffered a massive coronary.

Even with the unfortunate occurrences of the past couple years, Cormack claims the worlds will be back next year. He knows there's no shortage of Yahtzee-competition.

“Sure, Dice Rules is dead, but other teams have earned their chance to appear in the spotlight,” says Cormack. “Teams like Ice Dice, Plip and DIEce deserve to stand up on the world's stage. And if some of them are murdered in a horrible gristly fashion, who cares—that's just Yahtzee.”

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