Monday, April 4, 2011

Vampires in Twilight of Life Saved by Blood Bank Infusion

Every hour of every day, a vampire goes hungry. Pangs of hunger fill their fangs, as they seek out sustenance that just is not there. 

Whether people fear receiving HIV from the bloody bite, or they just don't want some undead dude sucking upon their neck or “fang bites are soooo last season,” vampires suffer in silence. They need the blood, but they just cannot get it. They are literally the “Lost Boys” Corey Feldman warned us about. It seems like they have no hope. That is, until now.

Recently, several branches of Vampire Blood Banks have opened. Downtrodden vampires can walk in and receive the red currency that kind-hearted humans have donated. Just imagine a world with no more destitute vampires. No longer will they have to snort lines of garlic or go “ass-to-ass” with the Mummy to eke out a little bit of the red stuff.

“It's actually kind of ironic, because most people criticize banks as soulless bloodsuckers, but that's actually the angle we emphasize!” says Count Balthazar III, CPA, chief proprietor of several chic LA blood dispensaries.

With a logo this cute, you know it'll be a
bloody good time!
The Count explained how at Vampire Blood Banks, humans don't need to have a needle injected into their arm, like those other blood collection places (always the ickiest part). Oh no, with this unique collection opportunity, the friendly vampires come to your home, squash court, rest stop, dojo, synagogue or place of business and engorges upon you at your convenience. Talk about simple—just make sure to invite them in first!

“But what if these people with their mouths firmly suctioned on my neck aren't actually vampires!?!? What if they're just someone who really really really really really likes the taste of blood?!?!” you might indignantly shout. Don't worry, the VBB's intense screening process weeds out lunatics like that—but really, worst case scenario, the blood is still going to a great cause!

Oh, and don't have any lying crosses around. Really, just don't.

Making things even better, it doesn't matter if you have a crap blood type like AB+, at VBB they accept all types and creeds. No longer must you hide your allele shame, you will be welcome and embraced by the community.

What makes this whole endeavor all worthwhile is the look on the vampire's face when they are
saved from certain doom. Imagine watching them go from pale to slightly less pale and know you're responsible for this positive change.

Not all vampires have these trademark good looks
I wholeheartedly support this cause, because if I do not speak up for the unholy creatures of the night, who will? Keep in mind, not all of them have the dashing good looks and charisma of Stephen Root or the guy from “Twilight.” Some have fierce overbites and pale skin. While this would make them a god in the nerd community, nerd blood is notoriously filled with loserish things like thetans, hemoglobin or Bawls. Plus, they'd have to be seen with said nerd, which detracts from a vampires' inherent cool value.

With the advent of the VBB, the nerd pandemic will not end vampire kind, they will live to suck another day (the vampires that is—nerds blow).

Now if you'll excuse me, Doug the Vampire is about to show up to receive my weekly donation. That guy just loves my diabetes blood, because although an affront to God, the poor soul still has a sweet tooth!

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