Thursday, May 5, 2011

This very special entry is very special

Hey, this is going to be a really hard post for me to write, so please bear with me. I'm not even sure if when I finish it I'm going to be able to click “publish.” What makes this even harder is I know my mom reads this blog. But it really must be said, so I'm going to pull off this band-aid quickly and get it out there. My name is Kevin Nelson, and I have an addiction.

(Heartfelt and sincere sounding voice) You've just stumbled onto a very special entry of BreakMentalDown. This is a post every child should read with their parent, and every parent should read with their child and/or cat.

It started out simply enough, I'd just go to the occasional one. Maybe spend a couple hours in an altered state. Sometimes I'd mingle, sometimes I'd get hammered, I was totally legit, but then it got worse. I became addicted to Habitat for Humanity. I always thought I had it under control, but if you can believe it, I didn't have things under control. Houses turned into subdivisions, which turned into planned communities. Not a day went by where I didn't thwack shit with hammers all in the name of humanity... and habitating.

I realize I've already referenced this, but MAN, that was a very special episode!

Now, I don't want to blame anyone. I realize I made my own bed, and I must lie in it (ermmm, more precisely, I made someone else's house, and if I try lying in it, the police escort me from the premises). However, I do blame my mom for this unfortunate habit. Not because she preached charity or love for thy neighbor, but because she bought me that pair of carpenter jeans back in 9th grade.

Carpenter jeans might seem like a miniscule problem, but they bring about big issues. “Whatchu doing with that weird strap thing? Holding stuff?” The schoolyard kids would chide. Of course, the only comeback for that was “I'm using it to store hammers and drills in, so I can build houses for Habitat for Humanity, doy!” And thus, the slippery slope slided.

In my opinionation, I have totally
out-Blossomed Blossom!
But building houses isn't all that bad. I get to use band saws! And math! Things like L'hospital's Rule and quadratic equations and we just love using our Orange Drink rations to test Archimede's Principle. Oh, that Archimedes, he was such a dreamboat and a genius—always knowing how to calculate volume and all sorts of cool mathematical stuff.


Oooh, that's Very Special Episode twist number two. If I keep this rate up, this will be even more special than that episode of “Blossom” where she bulimiaed up an AK-47 before shooting the school and running away to join a traveling topless “Family Matters” revue.

And it's true, I wouldn't lie about something like Archie. I still remember those fateful 14 words when Dr. Hanson, my 7th grade math teacher said “Archimedes ran through the town naked yelling 'Eureka!' and the king rewarded him thusly.” Ever since then, there's been no going back. That naked man and his philosophies really spoke to me. So much so, that I have those words transcribed on my left ass cheek as a testament to one of the greatest philosopher/mathematicians ever.

I'm sorry. I'm lying. I'm just putting up a strong face. I don't love Archimedes. Not after, not after what he did to me. It's all coming back to me. Way back a long time ago, back in third grade, a naked man rolled up to me in his van. He told me he was Archimedes, and if I hopped into the back of his van, he'd totally show me the latest Sonic the Hedgehog on his Genesis. He said it wouldn't be released for at least two years, and it was amazing. Plus he had candy.

But it wasn't amazing. This naked, gruff, but oddly pedicured man only had Sonic the Hedgehog 2, which had been out like forever! That's right, he told me a lie!

Oooooh, what a twist! You thought I was going to be molested, but this van-driving cloth less man was only guilty of being a liar. He had no interest in my pre-pubescent wiles, he just wanted someone to control Tails during the half pipe portions of Sonic 2, which I gladly did.

However, when the game sent him into an epileptic seizure, I simply exited the car. All that foaming and shaking was odd, but since I hadn't yet seen (nor since seen) the very special episode of “Diff'rent Strokes” with that plot line, I just left him in the van. I mean, I can justify this, because he was weird.

We just hit the fourth very special episode twist! I think we have totally put Blossom and Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in their place. With that, I successfully retire from the very special episode game.

Oh yeah, I also have anorexia.


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