Let's play a little word picture game here (sort of like a rorschach test, except it most likely won't prove you're crazy). Of the following scenarios, which one strikes you as the weirdest.
First: A man walks along the street through a slight drizzle. He holds an umbrella.
Second: Chester Cheetah, of Cheetos fame, travels through the time space continuum. He arrives in the age of dinosaurs and chides them for their thoroughly uncheesy demeanor. These statements make said dinosaurs self-conscious and they amp up their cheddar consumption. However, after awhile, the sheer pretentiousness of Mr. “Cheetah” eventually gets to said dinosaurs and they eliminate him. Dinosaurs eat Chester but carry on his cheesy philosophy, which affects all reality as we know it. Cats like dogs and baseball is entertaining.
Third: A person breathes air.
|Proof that nobody can look dignified with an umbrella|
I suppose there's really no debate about this one. The freak in scenario A with his freakish umbrella usage is definitely the most freaky thing anyone could do. Wayyyyy weirder than someone breathing, and I think the Chester Cheetah monoliths in Guam are proof enough of his amazing time traveling adventures/death.
It goes without saying, I don't like umbrellas. I find them pointless. Sure, some might argue that it keeps rain off of you. And while this is true, nature has already created something that does this. It's called a coat. It goes right on your body, no need to funnel water directly into your eyes. No need to tempt fate and 37 years bad luck by potentially opening an umbrella indoors, just toss on the jacket and go.
And for those in an anti-jacket brigade (of which I too am a member) nature has given us another anti-rain defense—skin. That stuff is amazing. It stays right over the internal organs/veins and keeps everything relatively dry. Sure it has pores, but rain doesn't really go inside there. We're given this at birth and we don't need to muck it up with imperfect umbrellas.
For those who claim I must live in an area that doesn't receive much rain, like Death Valley, Antarctica or Spain (somewhere far far from the plain), I've got one word for you. Seattle. I live in what's viewed as one of the rainiest grayest bits of land, and I've now spent 400 words rambling about the stupidity of umbrellas. Obviously, I'm very moist. I go out on a daily basis, I get hit by rain on a daily basis, I don't die on a daily basis. Why do we need to enter umbrella into the equation?
If only Rihanna had sang about Paella-ella-ella, then that Spanish dish of excellency would be part of the national discourse! But it was not to be.
The only real purpose I can see for an umbrella is if you're The Penguin or some sort of Bond villain and you want to use said umbrella as a weapon. If you want to use some sort of sword or mind control device or something that will make your opponent slightly wetter than a squirt gun, go right ahead, umbrella that bitch up!
I could also understand umbrella-usage if you are like my brother. As a five-year-old at Christmas, he only wanted an umbrella. That's right, there were tons of cool things he could have wanted back in the mid-80s—things like Transformers, G.I. Joes, crack or Simon—and he wants an umbrella!
It sounds crazy, but there existed intense rationale behind this request. He merely wanted it so he could sing “Singin' in the Rain'” and dance with his umbrella. This serves purpose, this allows him to do something, this was probably adorable. Even better, an episode of “Mama's Family” inspired him.
|In non-umbrella related business, "Mama"very well could have been a supervillian|
Aside from those very defined usages of the umbrella, there's no reason to use one. You look foolish doing it, it slows you down and there's always the potential for curse. Use what nature gave you and little drops of rain will not harm you. You are worthless, umbrellas.
In conclusion, we're not itsy bitsy spiders climbing up water spouts here. A little bit of rain will not wash us out.