Monday, May 30, 2011

Wanna Hear Me Rant about Pencils? Pencil Me In Next Week!

Everyone take notes on this one, I'm going to go off on a rant of epic proportions here. Are you taking notes? Good.

Pencils are one of the worst things ever created. They bring no good to any...


Only together can we stamp out pencil use.
Wait a minute, you're using a pencil to take notes on this? No, no, no, that's a very bad decision. Don't you understand? Pencils bring no good to anyone or anything in this world. Using pencils to transcribe my rant about pencils sucking is like my cat wearing a shirt that says “I don't like kibble.” Ironic, but just plain wrong!

Were it not for pencils, the achievement gap between the United States and other industrialized nations would not exist. Their horrible screeching noises have a disastrous effect upon ability to study, learn, live, sire children, eat confetti or play with magnets. All of these things could make better students, but alas, pencils... therefore they can't.

It might seem like I'm blowing things out of proportion, but I have hardcore scientific facts to back up my assertions. For example, did you know that pencils make horrible noises? Things like SCREEEEEs, and SWISHes and more SCREEEEs? With this auditory attack going on, how can a kid focus on his Weekly Reader?

Ever notice how children's studies improve once they enter into 4th grade? You might claim it's because they're no longer forced to use cursive, and they can now actually read the things they have written, but this is just not the case. You see, that is the year when erasable pens enter onto the class supply list.

Suddenly SCREEEEEEEs are replaced by not just the lack of silence, but pure ambrosia for the ears. Going from three full years of horribleness to nothingness is like Orcas making love to Unicorns on top of a big pile of pudding. Which is music to just about everyone's ears.

It seems like with pens, the tyranny of pencil would come to an end. yet people have been indoctrinated with pencils for the first four years of their schooling career using pencils. So they continue. They continue with their awful noises, their general smudginess, their responsibility in the loss at Bunker Hill, and their constant need for sharpening.

Oh yeah, in our pen-minded world, you might have forgotten pencils need to be sharpened. They do, and this requires some sort of dedicated sharpening device, which just about nobody can ever find. Compare it to a pen. Take off cap, write an erotic parody of “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day,” recap that bitch and be ready to write again another day.

You might claim that pens can run out of ink and this is akin to having to sharpen a pencil. Well, Mr. smart business person, you should realize you work in a smart business office and these smart business places have lots of pens to easily take. This creates an unlimited supply of pens, and you'll never have to deal with the accursed pencils again.

Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin says "If only we hadn't
used pencils, or allowed Galactic Space Kitty to
decimate our fleet!"
I realize I've provided a lot of strong anti-pencil rhetoric. But I'll pile on more. I'll end with one final case study. Back during the space race, the United States spent some untold fortune on developing a specialized pen that could write in space! (and at any angle! And under water! And while engulfed in flames! And on greasy paper! And on greasy flaming paper that you really shouldn't be writing things like “Hey, this thing is on fire! Hopefully it doesn't spread to my space age pen!”).

The Russians, on the other hand, used pencils. And not only did they never make it to the moon, they never even made it outside of the Earth's orbit! All thanks to the anti-power of pencils, the Russians were kept down, and the cold war never erupted. In that way, pencils are good. In every single other way possible, pencils are bad. And that's a note you can take with a pen!

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