Monday, June 20, 2011

Arm yourself and de-arm opponents with acid squirt guns

One look at the mercury shows this summer is heating up. And as just about anyone who has slipped on a slide or sprinkled on a sprinkler (ewww), they know it's time to suit up and arm yourself with a water gun.

But one must choose their H2O weaponry wisely. Going with a standard (IE Lame) pea-shooter variety of guns is sure to result in disappointment. Even worse than the “chump” using a Super Soaker 50 in this early 90s “Zap It” commercial.

Growing up, I used the Super Soaker CPS 2000 as my weapon of choice. Now, aside from having about the bitchingest name ever (CONSTANT pressure system), it also sported the warning “Do Not Shoot at Anyone's Face or Eyes.” For a 12-year-old, this obviously meant “Do not shoot at anything but the face and eyes.”

It was truly a blast a minute, but eventually I grew up. I progressed in age past 13. Suddenly I became a teenager, and it's no longer cool to play squirt guns. We're supposed to use this time to become interested in girls—and not just as squirt targets (although, I suppose this statement somewhat holds). My beloved CPS probably went to Goodwill (when it should have gone to eBay—that thing is now worth over $150!)

Yes, squirt guns have been pigeonholed as something only played with by people under the age of 13. When I hit the big one three and suddenly realized I could no longer squirt, it was dark times. But those times soon lightened when I realized a perfect substitute—sulfuric acid guns.

The delivery system of sulfuric acid guns is largely the same, instead of filling the Super Soaker with water, you use sulfuric acid. Hydrochloric acid is also acceptable. The after effects of this gun are a thing of beauty. Only after creating the H2SO4 gun did I understood the phrase “You just melted off my aorta.” Also, oddly enough, my use of the gun coincides with my increased appreciation of Salvador Dali paintings.

Is there really any question if this guy was on acid (guns)?
But as the old saying goes”Sulfuric acid is all fun and games, until someone runs out of acid—then they're a defenseless smoldering target. Zap zap.” And this is a mantra I like to live by. After all, when you introduce acid to any situation, fun ensues.

Things then got scary though. My love affair with sulfuric acid acted as a gateway to the harder stuff. By the time I was 13 and a half, I had developed an arsenal consisting of Micro Machines with base dispensers, some bongos (I have scary-awful rhythm), a falcon and a M20A1 Super Bazooka.

The latter one is a whole nother pile of fun. When I played with that thing, I always liked holding it sideways with one hand, because it looked so cool and gangsta. I could then blast anything I wanted and be wildly off target (because I was so gangsta), but it didn't actually matter, because shit still exploded. Haystacks, lawn gnomes, celery stalks all felt the blast of my bazooka.

So kids, get out there and enjoy this summer. If you're under 13, feel free to shoot off some squirt guns, they're reasonably fun, and they definitely make things wet. And if you're over 13.5, there's nothing like the haze of a bazooka blast rising up through the setting summer sun. Well, that is except for a blast from the Super Soaker CPS 2000, but who could afford that?

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