Thursday, June 9, 2011

With this robbery task force, I can squirrel my way out of anything

This weekend represented the supreme double whammy for my apartment complex. First someone broke into my neighbors house. They broke a window, climbed in and made out with several hundred dollars, a couple computers, DVDs and probably some merchandise relating to their stellar community college baseball team. So that kind of sucked for them. But it's not yet a crimewave.

It BECAME a crimewave, when it happened to me. Pure, innocent Kevin was standing in his living room when he looked out the porch and saw a rogue squirrel making off with the carrots seedlings on the porch. Sure, it was exceptionally cute, but those carrot seedlings were going to be my dinner in several to many months! How are he abscond with my meal!

Just give us the nuts and nobody gets hurt!
It might seem odd for me to draw this crimewave conclusion based upon two seemingly separate events. I mean after all, squirrels don't rob houses. But au contraire, might I point out these events happened within 24 hours of each other. Obviously there is some sort of man-squirrel crime ring operating out of my apartment complex. But the great part is, I'm not mad, I'm intrigued. I want to start my own squirrel-man crime spree.

Now I want to make it perfectly clear for Investigating Officer Chapel, I had no part in either of these crimes. I had not yet assembled my Squirrel Robbery Action Squad (SRAS) yet. For if I had, I wouldn't have needed to break a window while my neighbor was out of town for four days. I could have merely walked through the front door, blinded them with cute, and my neighbors could not resist. Then we could have made off with their LED. It's even cuter when you imagine squirrels using their tiny little paws to do this.

The Artful Dodger would proudly support this endeavor.

Even if SRAS had assembled, I wouldn't break into my neighbor's place. As the saying goes, you never poopoo where you eat. Now, this is a hard concept to explain to things with brains the size of walnuts. Especially when those rodents are mainly only known for doing that. However, I think with my peer pressure and commanding good looks, my multi-national-squirrel-robbery-task-force will hit the ground running and leap over these hurdles... because squirrels are good jumpers!

Our syndicate will operate on a truly global scale. If we can't be pinned to a geographic location, we can't be caught. And when I have everything from an Eastern Grey Squirrel to a Neotropical Pygmy Squirrel to some sort of Antarctican Freezing Squirrel in my band of thieves, capture will elude us.

The odd thing is, I didn't actually set out to become a crime lord—especially of the squirrel persuassion. I just realized how darling a squirrel would look wearing an eye patch and carrying a giant sock with a dollar sign drawn on it. If I set out to do that as part of a non-criminal enterprise, then suddenly I get branded as some sort of animal abuser. But by adding a simple crime syndicate aspect, animal rights groups are too scared to speak up—probably because they realize how sharp my squirrel compatriots' teeth are. And they've probably seen my poorly photoshopped squirrel to know I mean business.

So, get ready for a hell-of-a Bonnie and Clyde esque ride. My chums and I will be coming to various houses, apartments, nut factories, nurseries, squirrel porn stores and apple orchards near you soon. Assuming squirrels can move at roughly 117 miles per hour, I'll definitely be seeing you. We'll try not to scratch up any of your DVDs, but you know, squirrels gotta have their claws.

Oh, and just a little BTW, if most of my cats weren't idiots, I'd bring them into the syndicate too.

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