Monday, June 27, 2011

You'd Be "Nutty" to Dislike Peanut Butter

Hey breakmentals, it's Kevin here, and I've got a little update for you. My editor has recently decreed the uber-controversial stories I've been penning have been a little too “controversial” for the mamas and papas in mid-America and is refusing to publish any more of them.

Sure, my expose on how the Catholic Church should not hatch and harbor underground sea monsters might have rankled a few feathers (or in this case, monster gills), but it was a grand story that needed telling. The same goes for my one about how Rupert Murdoch is actually a discarded bowl of tapioca pudding. And don't forget my one about how the “New” Deal was actually inspired by an Archie comic.

The man in charge wants me to scale it back and go less controversial. I believe the way he put it was “You can write about how the metric system sucks or puppies are cute—that's it.” He's so strict, he won't even let me write about how puppies attempting to measure things in centimeters are adorable.
I'm three kilometers of cute!

Being true to my antidisestablishmentarianist roots, I'm gonna go against the wishes of everyone by embracing his controversial uncontroversial decree. I must go for the most vanilla of tastes with this column. So with that I say—peanut butter, it tastes awfully good.

Much like how everything poops, everything loves peanut butter. From humans to dogs, to elephants to Sasquatch. It really seems like everyone loves to get peanut butter all up in there. Who hasn't dipped a spoon into a jar and come out with a heaping helping of legume-filled goodness?

What's great about peanut butter is it's such a self-contained snack. If you have the container, you don't even need the spoon to get goodness into your belly. With just a little force and pressure, you can fashion the lid into a crude spoon. Sure, afterward the lid cannot close, but that's just more enticement to finish off the entire jar in one sitting and earning 98 grams of health-filled protein.

You can also just forgo the lid and dump the whole jar out on your bed where you proceed to roll around naked in it, getting all sorts of peanutty goodness all over your nutty badness. Who here among us has not felt the bizarre, yet oddly pleasing feeling of peanut butter up where the sun don't shine? Again, everything poops, and every one has had that feeling.

Now that I think about it, I suppose peanut butter has some level of controversy, because it's one of the few foods, aside from poison, that commonly poisons people. Really though, that's just mind over matter. They're weak and give in to their so called type 1 hypersensitivity reaction. But there's no “I” in “peanut butter.” There's also no “allergy” either. Stop all of this belly-aching and start up on some belly-thanking by dropping down peanut butter by the cup full. Although I will still refer to you as hypochondriac, you hypochondriac.
Insert spoon. Die happy. This applies to both people
with peanut allergies and normal people.
Aside from unwarranted controversy, the one bad side of peanut butter is some of those “natural” ones. They come with a thick layer of sedimentary oil on top that you get the pleasure of kneading into the rest of the peanut butter. Typically this results in a vaguely erotic churning motion and definitely results in sore wrists. When everything gets incorporated, it's good. However, that never actually happens. Most people incorporate some of it, their wrist falls off and then they say screw it. This mistake ends up tasting like peanut-tinged wallpaper. Not good wallpaper at that.

But, like the great Achilles, every thing has its weakness, and that's where peanut butter stumbles. Otherwise, it's delicious. It's so very very delicious in a totally non-controversial way. Despite what I said about the controversial aspects.

Thanks for reading my oh-so-happy post. After the success of this one, tune in next week when I infiltrate a gang of Antarctican ex-patriots who have banded together to create a hovercraft tribe while hopped up on moth placentas.

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