Monday, August 29, 2011

New sport gets off on the right foot

Pogs. Cabbage Patch Kids. Troll Dolls. Furbies. Auto-erotic asphyxiation. Tickle Me Elmo. Auto-erotic asphyxiation of Cabbage Patch Kids. Silly Bandz.

All of these trends have swept the nation and with good cause—they exist. With that knowledge, I'm quite a bit excited can tell you about some great news afoot. I can reveal to you the latest and greatest trend that every schoolyard child will be playing this fall, Boomerfoot.

Anyone who hasn't heard of this game obviously wasn't isn't the biggest sports enthusiast. Basically the game is played like any boomerang-based game, but instead of using a boomerang, the players use a foot, generally their own left foot. It helps that when squinted at correctly, a foot vaguely resembles a boomerang.
One of the early great of Boomerfoot tradition. He hit
seven people with the foot before gangrene did him in.

For example, wallaby hunts are pretty boring, because boomerangs are boring, but swap out that 'rang for a 'foot, and you've got yourself a sport. I don't even need to get into the transformative effect this sport has on rupee collection.

For those sitting there saying “Sooooo, you're expecting schoolyard children to cut off their right foot and use it as a boomerang in some weird take off of Ultimate Frisbee,” I want to reassure you, this is NOT my intention. These kids must cut off their left foot, the air foils inherent to the southpaw side give it much better returnability. But yes, that is the general idea of what I want them to do.

Boomerfooting got its start during the Great Depression, and only now will it do like its namesake and return to popularity. Sure, many of the original players died of sepsis, but with modern medical technology, that should no longer present any problems.

How exactly is this game played? The answer to that is simple, the hell if I know. With all these trend things, nobody knew what to do with them, they just knew Johnny Trendfollower had them and therefore they needed it for themselves. I used to babysit for a kid who had well over 100 Beanie Babies. As he pulled each individual one out of the duffel bag where he kept them, I asked what purpose they served.

“They fit in the bag,” was his only response.

So to fit my feet in a bag (metaphorically), all I need to do is show the children how funny it is to hit a classmate/relative/interdimensional space leprechaun with a foot. I'll highlight the bonus point garnered when said foot has a pus-filled in-grown toenail.

Like its namesake, Boomerfooting is making a glorious return after nearly dying off in the Great Depression. Some might claim most of the participants back then died of sepsis.

The big question with this game is how do we monetize it? It's well known that Silly Bandz snap on a daily basis and Pogs always get stolen out of my fourth grade classroom by Randy. And since Randy became a cocaine addict in his later years, lord knows he's never giving back these items, so kids must buy more! And more! And more!

Monetization can therefore come from the sales of accessories. Imagine a Boomerfoot branded hacksaw, or as I like to called it, a “footsaw.” And since it's highly unhygienic to share hacksaws (even worse than insulin needles) I can sell one to every kid in America. Even better, the really stupid ones might buy two of them to cut off both feet! Sure, they'll be incapacitated for life, but I'll make an extra $19.99 plus applicable state tax.
We'll probably need a factory dedicated
solely to Buscemi-foot production.

Another reason these trends are so popular is because of all different depictions of pop culture on the items. From the Silly Band shaped like the titular character of “Human Centipede” to troll dolls with green hair, there's a fad for every taste out there. If kids are just cutting off their own feet, there's very little collectability in the endeavor. Don't worry, I have it all thought out—celebrity feet.

Getting hit in the head by a normal foot is annoying, but getting hit in the head by Steve Buscemi's foot would be a conversation piece. Suddenly I can claim the bump on my head isn't a birth defect, but it's where Mr. Pink stashed the diamonds or maybe it's where the talent he wastes appearing in Adam Sandler films hides.

With that said, I encourage everyone to suit up, chop off and have an amazing time playing the trend of tomorrow, boomerfoot.

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