Thursday, August 4, 2011

The only thing alien about them is why we haven't destroyed the visitors!

Whenever the topic of alien invasion comes up, I always laugh to myself and say aliens exist, but they've never come to planet Earth. It's just far too big of a galaxy, and extraterrestrials won't care to come here and learn Ashley very incorrectly chose JP Rosenbaum over Ben Flajnik on the season finale of “The Bachlorette.” I thought they'd just pick up a satellite feed of it. That is... until the incident happened.

No, nothing abducted me, and all my anal glands remain thoroughly unprobed. But instead, while hiking, I found this image.

Not only is this picture alien to the rock, it's alien to our PLANET!
Obviously this is a depiction of the stereotypical depiction of a visitor. But who could have put it there? I forgot to mention, but this hike was quite the tough one. While the path I took stretched 3.6 of the most hellacious miles ever, it also went UPWARDS nearly half a mile. And keep in mind, I did it with a bum knee (and cane!).

Would any normal graffiti artist brave that treacherous task to draw a crude depiction of an alien? Nope.

My conclusion is aliens must have drawn it. Keep in mind, these visitors are known for their space-flying abilities. It's no problem for them to just hop down, slap out a silly picture of themselves and then blast away. Hell, they could probably even stop off by Taco Bell on the way home and grab a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Or stop by and see their friends at Area 51.

Sure, I also saw the remnants of other things along my never-ending journey. A dog footprint, a cow exo-skeleton, a wood carving of Sasquatch, and more cobwebs than I knew what to do with (I hit them with my cane), but nothing stuck out to me as damningly as this visitor leave behind.

Where does this leave us? Obviously the ball is in our court now. We must make contact with them. Sure, I realize ALF has already shown a decent amount of give and take between our species, but A. ALF wasn't real. He sprung forth from the mind of Tom Patchett (who then went on to create AMC's “Breaking Bad”) and B. Even if ALF were real, my rock-based depiction does not match up to his cute muppet-esque mug, which would totally destroy my point.
Sprocket sez "I will destroy you aliens! Just like I did this
chair... which is awfully comfy... and I will nap... what's
this about aliens?"

Luckily, my point remains intact.

As a result, we must go to their home planet. We must leave a depiction of us before dining upon their astronomical space fast food. But we can't leave a depiction of a human as a human. In their race where big eyes and thick foreheads are the norm, we'd look like some sort of hideous ear monsters. We can't have our new potential overlords/underlords have this flawed perception of us. Instead, we must raw pictures of my cat, Sprocket.

That might give the impression that we're all hairy, and quite a bit stupid, but Sprocket is also undeniably cute. He gets stuck in things and has a perma-perplexed look on his eyes. It would totally lull the alien life forms into a false sense of security. Not only that, it would also make Sprocket quite a bit cocky. Oh yeah, but the false sense of security would then translate into compliance and then our domination and then the complete occurrences depicted in the 2010 box office smash, Skyline.

Keep in mind, in this analogy, everything is reversed. We'll be the horrorific invaders who triumph against the peaceful indigenous ones! (I assume, haven't seen the movie)

Once Project Sprocket goes into effect, the aliens will no longer be inky self-portraits alienating our national parks. Instead, they will become a disenfranchised race, and will probably move to national parks out of having nowhere else to go. And on that day, we claim victory!

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