Thursday, August 25, 2011

Top 52 Moments Where BreakMentalDown Broke Me

In celebration of my 50th post, I have decided to highlight some of the 52 greatest tidbits I've had to cut from postings. I really wish they could have made it into the original ones, but you know, the man and all.

1. The North Star only points true north on Groundhog's Day and the third Sunday of every month. When those times overlap, it's a sign you need to get a new calendar.
2. Nobody likes Monopoly, either the concept or the game. Especially the game.
3. VHS tapes represent the pinnacle of home video entertainment.
4. The secret in Pop-Secret? Heroin.
Sprinkle a little Tylenol PM on it and you have a wonderfully cheesy snack.
 5. Boxes of cereal open just as well from the bottom as they do from the top. It's the closing that gets affected.
 6. Dogs aren't allowed to ride on planes, because airlines don't want to have to keep giving out frequent “WOOF” miles.
 7. Qat is a valid Scrabble word. I don't care if you don't know what it means, the official Scrabble dictionary does. See also, qafir, xi and Kevinrulz.
 8. I could never tell Huey from Dewey on “Duck Tales.”
9. One of the good things to come out of the Cold War was toenails. The Russians invented the toenail clipper and needed something to use it for. Only after a ghastly eugenically-inspired experiment, did we find a use for the keratin cutters.
10. Mick Jagger wrote “You Can't Always Get What You Want” as an FU to Keith Richards when Richards suggested they should make “A Rolling Stones song that's actually good.”
11. You're never too old to play on a swing set. You're always old enough to be deemed a pedophile.
12. If drivers' licenses were made out of chocolate, everyone would want one.
13. Free samples are like “Trick or Treats” for adults.
14. Humans and chipmunks are the only species capable of using cell phones.
(Sigh) For the millionth time, I
can hear you now.
15. The Ultimate Warrior, former WWF superstar, was elected as prime minister of French Guiana after a joke went viral in 2005. However, his initiatives on dropping African debt and nuclear weapon disarmament have won him unprecedented support and will likely lead to his re-election.
16. If you're ever lost, just look for an evergreen tree. The shape of it forms an arrow, so you always know where the sky is located.
17. When a group of children is describing what different clouds look like, the only correct thing to do is tell them they're wrong, and explain all clouds look like condensed water droplets.
18. Water covers 2/3 of the Earth. The remaining portion is divided equally amongst landmass, ants, McDonald's grease and aunts.
19. Hey, you have some updog on your shoulder. Oh, not much, how about you?
20. George Foreman calls it "The Me."
21. Nachos represent the most perfect food source. There's a reason entire civilizations rise and fall based upon access to “Nacho Typical Eatery” franchises.
22. If I could time travel, I'd go back to November 12, 1955. I could then link up with Marty McFly and go “Back to the Future,” all the way to 2010. A 2010 with hoverboards!
23. It's purely a coincidence that trees have bark, while dogs also bark.
24. Turn signals are a myth.
25. Popular people are popular because they're really really really neat.
26. If cats ran the world, all commerce would be based upon access to yarn.
27. Whenever “My Favorite Martian” comes on the TV, I indignantly shout “That’s an outright lie! I love the Royal Commander Zebluncon so much more!”
28. One of the secret ingredients in Dr. Pepper is “crap... literal crap, like from a donkey or small child.”
29. You can see Brad Pitt's penis if you pause the Blu-ray of “Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas” at the 29 minute, 32 second mark.
Only problem, it may or may not
be animated.
30. The original name for Apple Computers was “Dr. Steve's House of Hubba Hubba Sex.”
31. Pickle relish makes a surprisingly effective toothpaste.
32. Athlete's foot medication gets rid of invasive fungi like portabella and truffles.
33. One time one of my friends accidentally used a fork instead of a spoon. True story, from that day forth we called him "Johnny Spoonless." And then one of my friends who worked for the city was actually able to legally change that to Johnny's name! It got him a couple jobs, because he'd be interviewing and the interviewer would say "I've got plenty of spoons here, we can bond over this!" Oh, if he just hadn't been a homicidal maniac, he would have kept those jobs too!
34. If you heat up gazpacho, you get soup.
35. The Dewey Decimal system is inherently racist.
36. The male form of a chicken is a turkey.
37. The porno XXX version of “Charlotte's Web” should be required reading in all middle schools. It taught me... lots.
38. “DeGrassi: The Next Generation” is one of the few sequels to surpass the original.
39. Candy corn makes a surprisingly good pizza topping.
40. Do not put snap bracelets in the microwave.
41. All ice cream men come from the horrific ice planet of Schmee. You'll note they never eat their own product, because that would be cannibalism.
42. People once used America On-Line for something other than launching the spam empires.
This work should have also won the
New Zealand FX house an Oscar.
43. The sun is not created by Industrial Light & Magic.
44. Zombies are as warm and cuddly as they seem.
45. One day the 29th amendment to the Constitution of the United States will outlaw use of the letter M. It will be a very controversial and confusing aendent.
46. “Wheel of Fortune” was invented in 1952 in Boca Raton, FL as a way of deciding which death row inmates would next receive the electric chair.
47. “The Sound of Music” inspired a 14-year-old James Cameron to pen the scripts for both “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” and “Sneeze,” the season six episode of “Smallville” over the course of a weekend.
48. The original martini was created by the Aztecs who used a CuisinArt to combine chocolate, tequila and the brain matter of their most feared enemy/best friend (two brains).
49. Throughout history, messenger bags have only been used by actual messengers four times.
50. You'd think Boogey Man attacks would mainly focus upon children. This is true, he's taken over 5,000,000 souls of children, and only three adults.
51. Bitching sauce is bitchingness distilled down to its purest form.
52. Pepsi Throwback actually has seven times as much cocaine as the original Pepsi formula.

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