Monday, November 28, 2011

Tis the season to hear awful Christmas music

With Thanksgiving past us, we are now on a crash course to a dark and scary time. No, not Christmas shopping or my anniversary—those are manageable compared to this menace. I refer to Christmas music. Brace your ears, because it's about to destory your brain.

Every Christmas song ever written sucks. There's no other way to put it. I'm not trying to come off as some horribly Scroogy miser here, it's just there has never been a Christmas song that makes you want to kick someone in the neck it rocks so much. My highest review for a Christmas song is Bruce Springsteen's “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” which qualifies as “passable,” mainly because of the Boss involvement.

Even She & Him have fallen victim to this trap.
And when an indie rock group goes
commercial like, hipsters die a little inside.
It's no surprise the highest time of suicide coincides with the highest time of Christmas music.

The worst part about Christmas songs is there's roughly only six of them ever. Yet, literally millions of bands have covered every single one of them ad nauseam. During the peak of the holiday season, it's possible to change from a rock station to metal to country and have the complete lyrics to “Deck the Halls” sung out without even missing a word. That just reeks of unoriginality.

And this is another problem with Christmas songs. Just try listening to the radio in December. Stations that normally play good 70s and 80s style arena rock suddenly go soft and play songs that can be derided as “happy” instead. Apparently, this ploy actually works though. Wikipedia says the radio stations that switch to holiday music tend to see their ratings triple. And because people will nest into the first station they hear “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Batman lyrics on), radio stations have moved to playing Christmas music earlier and earlier.

I remember when I was growing up, an oldies station had just made the switch to all holiday all the time crap. I would have just put on a different station, but the cook at the place I worked had control of all things radio, and despite being called “Mean Dennis,” he loved his holiday music. The DJ on this station went through the old holiday standards—Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Walk on the Wild Side, Winter Wonderland, White Christmas, Blue Christmas, Feliz Navidad and Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (possibly by a different band).

After going through this bout of torture, he started playing “The Superbowl Shuffle.” While not the greatest song (some might classify it as “Awful) it's also not holiday music and therefore seems way better by comparison. Halfway through the song (“Well they call me sweetness / and I like to dance”) the DJ broke into the song and said “Wait a minute, this isn't Christmas music!” Before launching into the 14th version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (Muppet version) of the day.

But I'm not the filthy heathen who wants no merriment during these holiday seasons, instead, I will create a new song to make the holiday season as magical as the first hundred times you heard it. But I will issue a caveat, I have absolutely no musical ability. And this means no musical writing ability. So what I'm going to do is have a list of 30 words below. Print up the list, cut out each word and toss em in a hat. Pull at five at random, and this is your refrain. The next seven are the opening, and the final 18 should be set afire, song perfection has already occurred. Feel free to toss in some verbs, if you wish, but as the 12 days of Christmas proved, it's not really necessary. Set the lyrics to a 7/8 beat and enjoy. Oh yeah, I don't know what 7/8 beat means. Hopefully it's one of the good ones.
I can already taste the residuals for
Santa Stocking Happy General Tso's Chicken.

Word bank for your hit new Christmas song:
Christmas, Happy, Merry, Jolly Sauce, Cookie, Santa, Antidisestablishmentarianism, Reindeer, Johnny Cash, Tequila, Tree, Ornament, Peppermint Patty, Cyborg, Mistletoe, General Tso's Chicken, Snowfall, Sledding, Rooftop, Plastic Tree, Jigsaw Puzzle, Conservation of Mass Principle, Real Tree, Muffin, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, ¾ Beat, Shower, Cosmetics Testing, Stocking, Ice skating.

Have fun with your new holiday classic and don't forget to have yourself a merry little Christmas.

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