Thursday, December 1, 2011

Extreme Cold? More like Extremely Nice!

As we round through December, we enter into what I gloriously call “The Cold Times.” This is a time when cacti freeze to marsupials eating Popsicles. A time when absolute zero comes across as a high. A time when the Sasquatch gets pissed when people try calling him the “Abominable Snowman,” due to the inherent negative connotations. This is a time when we enter winter.

Unlike many people, I don't actually mind winter. Sure, I now live in Seattle, a place where the summer lows equal the winter highs, resulting in an acceptable year-round climate, but this wasn't always the case. I grew up in Minnesota, an area that somehow manages to be in both the arctic and the antarctic circles. The winter lasts seven or eight months and several of my grade school teacher were actual snowmen (not of the abominable type).
Ever notice how penguins never look cold?
That's because it could always be worse, it could be hot.
It might sound like a horrendous living, and believe me, it was. But this sub-arctic background has given me the ability to not only tolerate extreme cold, but cherish it. While not everyone can have the joyful experience of losing three appendages due to weather-related instances or having to bundle up, it is a skillset I learned to deal with and thrive in.

What's nice about extreme cold (see, my Minnesotan blood lets me say a line like the previous clause) is there's always something you can do to make it more tolerable. A little bit nippy? Put on a hat! Still cold? More layers! Frozen to a flag pole? Don't lick germ filled things! Want some nachos? Eat some nachos! All of these solutions are readily available, readily accessible to anyone.

However, comparing this to extreme heat, and you have a far different setup. With heat, you do have a couple layers you can take off. You can always toss on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before immediately taking them off while bitching about how hot it is getting arrested for indecent exposure.
I'm fairly certain there must be a scientifically provable statistic showing how the majority of sex offenders come from areas of high temperature. People, they're not deviants, they just rightfully dislike feeling their souls melt.

When subjected to cold for a long time, you're face might start crushing in upon itself. At that point you both know it's decently cold and you're justified in shouting out profanities. Don't worry, nobody can hear you, they're far too bundled up to actually hear you. When the summer heat melts a body, all you're really allowed to do is let the meltation occur and then die. That's you're only option.

And this is why winter is so grand. No matter the area, even if you're on the equator, it will be cooler than the summer. No souls will melt, no children will have their innocence ruined. It's win win for everyone involved.

So when you go out there and see a high that has a negative sign in front of it, take it in stride, it could be far worse, you could be in jail. Granted, jail is filled with lots of happiness and bodies to keep your core temperature raised up high, but trust me, that is not where you want to end up.

For places that actually have winter, enjoy it, it's bound to be a greatly cold one. Me, on the other hand, I'll be riding a bike to work in a t-shirt, because I live in an area that doesn't have weather.

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