Anyone who braved going into a retail establishment this weekend bore witness to a dearth of Christmas lights and decorations that hasn't been seen since the Great Depression. This is probably because they all vanished during a decoration orgy that hasn't been seen since the time of Caligula.
With all the good decorations gone before you could even say “Didn't it just turn December?” you're probably worried that people will see your unadorned house and criticize you as godless heathens. Don't worry about that for two reasons. One, all aspects of religion have been taken out of the holiday, Christmas is godless in and of itself. And secondly, I've got the solutions that will keep you away from those low rent decorations still available in the store. Follow my guidance, and you won't have to stoop to the level of getting elves, skunks dressed like Santa, Coalclops the Bionic Lump of Anthracite or poinsettias.
|CoalClops makes a much better piece of |
awesome than Christmas decoration.
What's my solution to avoid this low rent approach to Christmas decorations? Go even more low rent by making your own decorations.
Don't have a tree? It's a little known fact, but trees are actually made out of paper. So if you happen to have various Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers coloring books sitting around, you've got yourself a tree. And this tree has the benefit of reminding you of one of the best TV theme songs ever created.
Here's a hint, a bent straw looks exactly like a candy cane, except without all of that weight.
Did you realize that much of your Christopher Columbus Day decorations can be repurposed for the Christmas season? Upwards of 82 percent of those decorations directly translate to Christmas and, with a little imagination, you can bump those numbers up to 86 percent. That neon sign of Chris subjugating an entire race of people? Easily becomes Santa telling elves he needs more toys. Hopefully you didn't take them down after the holiday passed, but why would you, it's not like there were any other holidays of note during that time.
I dislike wreaths. I view them as unnecessary twisting and bending or things that should be neither twisted nor bent. However, I'm probably in the minority on this opinion, and I do come to you with a great suggestion for how to obtain a cheap wreath. Thievery. Many people just hang their wreaths on the front porch all willy nilly. There's no locks, no laser-aided security system. At most, they will use a nail to secure it, and that's it. Just make sure you don't take it from your neighbor's house—they might notice. The one three doors down should be right for the taking. Oh, and don't worry about going against the holiday spirit, because when they do notice it's stolen, they'll just say “Oh well, it's just a wreath, they're vastly overrated in the first place.”
|See, I stole this super sweet clip art|
image of a wreath.
Need Christmas lights? I've got two words for you. Fire. And more Fire. Okay, technically that's four words, but the key parts are two words, “Fire,” and “more.” Fire burns a brilliant fire-color that looks remarkably similar to Christmas lights. With a controlled blaze, you can simultaneously safely contain and stare in awe as all your world possessions and offspring go up in flame.
By just following a little bit of this advice, you can ensure your Christmas is both merry and insanely cheap/borderline illegal. Happy holidays!