Monday, December 26, 2011

How did I go so long getting off mascot-free?

“What better way to start the day than with a post on BreakMentalDown and some vodka?” And with that quote from Break Mental Douglas, my blog finally has a mascot.

I didn't always intend to have a mascot, but the spirit of the Christmas season actually inspired me to create him. Just think about it, why is this holiday always such a successful one? It's not the fact that oodles of presents are given away for no reason, or holiday candy is filled with delicious peppermint. Don't even try and claim “family togetherness.” The real reason Christmas has taken the collective consciousness of billions of people is because the big guy himself, Santa Claus, the unofficial official mascot of Christmas.

And in a similar fashion, Break Mental Douglas will bring the joyous overweightedness of Santa to all of my posts. Sure, he might speak in a surlier fashion, and some of his statements are borderline racist against the Macedonians, but they DO really deserve it. All in all, he will be my mouthpiece in a way my words could never hope to be.

With Break Mental Douglas, not only do I join Christmas with my mascot-having, I meet up with 7-Up, Domino's Noid and Scientology's Tom Cruise. Heck, even the veal industry has their mascot in Cagey, the happy-go-lucky calf tenderizer. It seems weird that I waited so long to come into the fast paced world of mascoting.
Looks like Cagey happy-go-luckily caught
another baby cow!

Now that you've already seen what he looks like, you're probably wanting to know his personality. It's not enough to just know that the Trix rabbit is malformed and probably was raised on a diet of mutagen, you need to know that he also has an insatiable hunger for crappily flavored cereal. Who cares about Crazy Frog, if you don't know he likes playing ring tones? Wait, scratch that... who cares about Crazy Frog?

Aside from loving to read BreakMentalDown and having an alphabetically shaped body, akin to Calista Flockhart, there's much to get to know and love about Break Mental Douglas. He really loves macrame—considers it the true form of window covering creation. And, speaking of covering windows, his body ironically enough is incapable of doing that, due to the non-opaque nature of his body.

Just imagine the skits and trouble he can get into when you combine those two factoids. Soon I'll launch various marketing initiatives showcasing Break Mental Douglas. I'll put him in the comical situations that can only be gotten out of when he quips “You do realize Alexander wasn't so great, right?” While that only works on his Macedonian targets, they're a vocal and vengeful group who will give him much (hilarious) sass!

Also, I initially planned on having him take up some jingoistic mantle and take down Kim Jong-Il, but recent developments on that front have already shown Break Mental Douglas (and his home blog... succeeded on that front. Evil dictators of the world, take note, you just might end up having an unrelated massive coronary that Douglas will definitely take credit for. You have been warned—I'm looking at you current president/dictator/king/overlord of Macedonia... if said country still exists.

Now that you've learned about Break Mental Douglas, I'm certain you love him. You love him so much that you'll want to buy into my complete line of merchandise, from water bottles to lunch boxes to nuclear reactors (complete with free “Tasty Goo”) to POGs. And that is completely understandable, because I want all of those things too. We just need to make Break Mental Douglas get big, and then success and relentless commercialization will be the reward we reap.

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