Monday, December 19, 2011

Last 7/11th of a minute shopppers finish Christmas shopping at 7/11

As time ticks closer and closer to Christmas Day, you're more and more likely to set out on a last minute shopping excursion. I'm not here to criticize, because I think this trend is a great one. What's even better about it is because all actual stores have sold out of their “good” product by now, you can skip them entirely. This leaves you with only one option—7/11, or as I like to call it, the last minute shopping mecca.
Ho Ho Ho!

Where else can you both get Slurpees and condoms and... more Slurpees? If you say anywhere aside from 7/11, you are definitely wrong. That's a false mecca. Sure, you might have been planning to hold out and snatch up a Fijit or LeapPad on Christmas Eve, but we all know that's not going to happen. You would have just as much success creating a time machine and traveling back to 1996 to purchase a Tickle Me Elmo.

With just a little bit of an imagination, any of the fine fine products sold within a 7/11 can make a phenomenal gift—one so good, I'm sure your offspring will regale you with statements of “It must have taken you at least two minutes to make this!” Which makes them think you did 100 percent higher than you actually did and is truly the mark of any successful last minute shopper.

Here are just a couple great ideas to make 12/25 into a 7/11 experience.

Sack of Slurpee. It's well known the only thing 7/11 turns out is the Slurpee. However, the inherent cold nature of this slushy bit of goodness doesn't translate well to sitting under the tree. That doesn't mean you should avoid this as a present, it means you should embrace it! Go to the store and fill up your Slurpee cup, then drop it the liquid in a smuggled in Ziploc bag. Repeat, twice. Over the next couple days it will morph into a new present. Into a Sack of Slurpee.

False accusations that you stole a can of Coke Zero at one am when you were actually just in there to get one of their weird Tornado Dog things. Although, I might have been the only one to ever get this. Especially when I quite clearly finished off the can as I walked in the door.

Mr. Doughnut Head Man. What better way to own a piece of movie memorabilia than to counterfeit it? When Garth so bravely stabbed “Mr. Doughnut Head Man” in the first Wayne's World, he created this piece of movie memorabilia rife for recreation. The store will not only provide the doughnuts, but also the straws to glue him together.
Use this scene as inspiration for your
copyright violation.

Moat. The Super Double Big Gulp has approximately 317oz. Most medieval moats had somewhere south of 200 oz. of fluid in them, so this makes for a perfect combination. Plus, your moat will taste like a Diet Coke/Mountain Dew/Sprite/Coke Zero/Small amount of Slurpee/Fanta Kamikaze. Evil orcs would be proud to drown to death in a concoction so deliciously sweet.

A human hand. They have them, they sell them. However, the only way to get them is to ask for them. And please, don't ask for them.

Lottery Tickets. Sure, technically a kid can't use lottery tickets, but if it's a winner, nothing says you have to let said kid keep ticket. It's a win-win experience, except with for the near certainty that you will end up a loser in this transaction.

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