How to cause an epileptic seizure in three easy steps.
1. Get twinkling Christmas lights.
Hmmm, I guess that's all you really need.
I realize I wrote about Christmas decorations just a couple days ago, but my thesis in that one involved burning things to the ground to create a brilliant light display. But brilliant light displays generally do not cause epilepsy, and as I said at the start, that is our goal.
|Even Chevy Chase knows full body|
electrocution is preferable to twinkling.
When twinkling lights first get strung up, they probably have a pleasing constancy to them. They go on and off at regular intervals. They do not stay off for ages and then turn on in a blinding blast that causes several passing motorists to crash in a firey fire ball that probably actually pleases the writer of this blog. Not because of the inherent death, but because of the actual amazing light show. One that Christmas lights could never even hope to recreate.
However, my neighbor from up the street seems to really want to recreate this scene. He strung up his entire roof with lights from eve to eve, and while I'm totally cool with that, they twinkle in who knows what kind of rhythm. They'll go on then turn off for 2 seconds, on for two, off for two, on for 18, off for one, on for pi, off for the imaginary number I, on for light year, off for three. Repeat.
The entire lack of rhyme and reason is enough to drive someone insane, especially if they are watching TV and can only see the lights out of the corner of their eyes and they think it's some sort of mystical ghost floating over the neighbor's house, and they might think they should call in some sort of exorcist to prevent a subdivision wide ghoulish infestation. So about every ten seconds they need to take their eyes off the screen to look over and say “Oh, it's the stupid lights.”
In case you hadn't figured it out, I was actually the pronoun “they” in that previous paragraph. To the best of my knowledge an infestation hasn't occurred, but the bizarre way they display their yule-tide joy might be a serious sign of some freaky hauntings.
I'm not asking them to stick to some sort of boring schedule, like two on, one off, two on, one off. I realize that could get kind of dull and monotonous, which is not something people strive for in this holiday season (with the exception of Christmas music).
|You get a pass, Rockefeller Tree, because I've only|
seen you in pictures, and those pictures don't twinkle.
All that I ask is that they sync it up with something, anything. At least if they synced it up with LMFAO, I would have known they were sexy and they know it, sexy and they know it, sexy and they know it, hey! But they didn't even do me that common courtesy. They could even pair it with episode 131 of the original run of the original Mickey Mouse Club, as long as they could prove things actually synchronized. Sure, I'd still question their logic, rationale and sanity, but I'd applaud their use of found footage to make their Christmas merrier.
Christmas was an inherently religious holiday, and while I've never read any sort of scripture, I'm sure in it they would have railed against epilepsy and death and mushrooms. As a result of that, we should also go against all these things by not supporting twinkling lights. If we want to light things, we can, but just not in a fashion that also includes unlighting and relighting in ridiculous intervals. Only then can we have a merry Christmas.