Monday, December 12, 2011

An excellent way to gum up everything? Chewing pink bubblegum

America, I don't want to sound alarmist, but a great menace besieges us. It's responsible for more deaths than cancer and even less fun than having to watch Chrismas carolers. It will be our undoing. It is pink bubblegum.

I know I'm not alone when I proclaim pink bubblegum as one of the nastiest things ever invented. I'm including ricin and bubonic plague on that list of awful too—pink bubblegum is far worse. As they were inventing it, they made sure to include the rogue's gallery of disgusting. Awful taste? Check. Revolting color? Check. Hideous aroma that gives anyone within a 20 foot radius a mind numbing headache? Check.

I realize I might be the only one who falls into that latter category, but the mere existence of that group of one shows the sheer evil of pink gum. Why would they make something that causes anyone a massive headache. Oh wait, I amend that statement, weapons manufacturers make weapons that cause death and destruction, but those products are marketed for their death and destruction capabilities. They don't sell WMDs as a flavor experience that all kids everywhere should enjoy.

And that is why the people who make pink gum are evil. Pure evil, like Bond villain evil evil. Although I suppose it makes sense one brand of pink bubblegum is called “Bazooka Joe.”
Original name was "Anthrax Joe," probably because
of all the anthrax in him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all forms of gum. Some gums are actually quite tasty or have amazing ad campaigns (Yikes! Stripes! Fruit! Striped! Gum!), and I do readily consume those. Five Solstice gum is a flavor explosion where the taste just doesn't stop.

But the pink menace is one that very well could be the undoing of our country. This is a frankenfood forced upon the masses. Even Wikipedia doesn't know what the hell goes into the gum. Here's a verbatim quote from the entry “it is made from synthetic chemicals, such as ethyl methylphenylglycidate, isoamyl acetate and others, and fruit extracts, the true ingredients being kept a mystery to customers.”

You know with so many prefixes and suffixes, the makers of this are up to no good. Also, I'm pretty sure the last time I had isoamyl acetate, it was actually anthrax. That's right, you can purchase anthrax anywhere, up to and including your local armory and even the 7/11.

All that secrecy is not to protect a trade secret of some sort, because that would be like protecting the secret formula for how to make an episode of “Two and a Half Men.” Nobody cares to copy it, because it just isn't good.
Pink gum is a slippery slope towards Violet
turning violet.

With all these negatives attached to it, why do they still make pink bubblegum? Some could argue tradition, as the gum is a remnant left over from the 19th century, when they made candy that tasted like crap as a way of letting kids know they'd probably die of plague soon anyway, so they shouldn't have any fun while on the earthly realm. Others might say they actually like to chew it, but you know they're just trying to be an anti-logical-hipster-type.

Neither of these solutions seem too practical to me, as it seems like a lot of wasted secret ingriedients for far too little gain. But despite its sheer awfulness, the gum remains stuck on the bottom of our desk of life. People chew out of obligation to former gum-endeavors and to continue giving me massive headaches, especially when I'm trapped in an elevator for upwards of two minutes with a kid who keeps smack smack smacking his pink poison.

Please, don't chew pink gum.

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