 |
| Sixty percent of the letters in your name should be "cutely" printed backwards |
Anyone who has the ability to look at a
calendar can see that the month is now July. And anyone who was too
lazy to look for a summer job in May knows there's only one job left
for them—running a lemonade stand.
Many might scoff at this suggestion,
they might claim the only people who can look adorable providing
slave labor at a lemonade stand are those who haven't even entered
double digits in age. That's just completely wrong, eight-year-olds
are about the worst people to work the stands, which is why us
millennial need to swoop in and take these jobs from the kids who
will one day employ us 50 years down the road.
Why must millennial take the lemonade
stands? Simply because the lemonade stand is a inherently flawed
practice. Kids only get into the lemonade slinging game because
they're kids and they have no money. So who exactly are the
lemonaders marketing to? Lord knows they're not doing it to other
kids, because as we've established, the only way for kids to make
money is by running lemonade stands or by selling an
un-alcohol-tinged liver to a mad scientist. And as we've established,
lemonade stands make no money.
So why advocate starting up a lemonade
stand then? Because lemonade stands make no money for kids. And
millennial aren't kids, they're some equivalent of adults. Adults
have the money to market to adults. And therein lies the profit
margin—selling lemonade to adults.
That's why I started my own lemonade
stand as a 27-and-a-half-year-old entrepreneur. I know that to
navigate the profit issues that sink so many stands. With that, I
launched “Kevin'z Lemon'z.” The z's show I mean business.
Most lemonade stands only stay in
business because the kids' parents are bankrolling the whole
operation. But as a pseudo-adult, my parents were only willing to
back me on half of the endeavor. Luckily, Ponzi Schemes are still all
the rage in the financial/lemonade markets and I soon had a full
slate of investors looking to capitalize on those sweet sweet
profits. Just like lemonade though, I'm certain they're aware that
everything will soon turn sour.
 |
| A steal at any price! |
And things did turn sour when the
powers that be in the lemonade establishment didn't take too kindly
to my entrepreneurial spirit. These powers were personified in Billy,
a local nine-year-old punk that lives up the street. He told four of
my potential customers that my stand didn't actually sell lemonade,
but “regurgitated urine.” I'm not even sure how that would work,
nor if he even knows the definition of the word “urine.” But I
wouldn't just sit idly by while he besmirched my sole source of
income.
I needed to teacher this Billy
character and his “Billy Goat's Gruff” lemonade stand a thing or
two about the cutthroat world of lemonade standing. And if I had slit
his neck, that previous sentence would have been even more accurate.
Instead, I simply followed the directives of “Kill Bill Vol 2” to
“Kill Billy Vol Only” and used Pai Mei's fatal pressure point
technique on that cocky child.
Don't look at me so negatively, this is
lemonade standing, there aren't any rules. I'll Pai Mei's fatal
pressure point technique anyone that looks at me crossly to make sure
I can get my precious ade to market. I am a millennial, I can and
will run this stand!
So if anyone would like some fantastic
ade, stop on by Kevin'z Lemon'z, now serving lemonade without various
nine-year-olds' blood in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment