Monday, July 16, 2012

Baby You Can Drive My Car, Yes I'm the Next Food Network Star

Justin Warner Doesn't Win Food Network Star
Don't let the Justin Warner glamor shot fool
you. He doesn't win.

That's the only way to describe my repeat as winner of "Food Network Star."

You might be saying "But Kevin, you are neither Justin, nor Ippy nor that annoying Paula Deen clone who somehow manages to be even more shrill and annoying than Ms. Deen herself, while simultaneously attempting to coopt Aarti's show concept causing massive amounts of vulgarities to fly out at the screen every time she appears, or Nikki.

These are all true statements, but if we used this type of "logic," I didn't actually win last year, which this post clearly shows I did. Game set and match.

So with joy down in my heart, I took back the title that was always rightfully mine. Sure, I definitely had slips along the way, none worse than when I intentionally set Bob Tuschman on fire. But who here among us hasn't done that?

My competition was virtually non-existent. The perceived frontrunner, is Justin, mainly because nobody has any clue what he's doing in the kitchen (himself included). Were he to have a cooking show, odds are it would be called "Burning Down the Kitchen with Justin." It would only last two episodes before the star died of massive smoke inhalation.

Although if I hosted "Massive Smoke Inhalation with Kevin," I'm certain I could definitely pull in a strong contingent of the stoner crowd. 

But that's not my show concept. From watching 5 seasons of this show, I know you need to approach things with a concept. Those who don't fade away into obscurity after winning. Oh wait, what am I talking about, Guy Fieri is the only one who hasn't faded out. But when my show concept wins, I definitely will not fall into the irrelevance trap that absorbed Aarti , Melissa or Freddy Krueger after their "successful" runs at the title.
With this victory, I'm going to do what no "Next" Food Network "Star" has ever accomplished—removing the air quotes surrounding "next" and "star." I'm going to become an actual star. Seriously, can you name any of the other winners? Nope. And that's especially odd, because I've named dropped several of them in this post.

 Just take a look at my pilot concepts that America will soon fall in love with and reherald me as a true star.

Cooking with Ninjas: It's like a normal Julia Child-esque show, in which you learn how nobody actually likes the taste of mushrooms, but then, what's this? There's a ninja in the cupboard. It escalates into a full scale brawl, and just at the moment I'm about to subdue the ninja, another one pops out! Cliffhanger to commercial!
Sorta like this, except my ninjas actually cut stuff/people.

Nachos: When most people think Nachos, they just think chips and cheese. This show will go far beyond that. Like putting bits of pizza on chips or swirling around tortilla chips in a fifth of whiskey and calling it the best nachos ever.

Kibble Gourmet: This one would be cohosted with my cat, Sprocket. He's not too verbal, but he does love kibble and he's absolutely adorable. That right there sells itself.

Kevin Eats Cheese: I like cheese. Cheese is expensive. Who wouldn't want to watch a full 60 minutes of me eating a slice of very expensive Gruyere? I can even share great info like limburger cheese is the best to use for Whiskey Nachos.

I plan on just showing up on the Food Network lot and filming all of these pilots.

Worst case scenario, Food Network doesn't actually give me a show and they kick me out to the street where nobody will ever see me again. Although, really, they could probably just toss me on an episode of whatever Aaron McCargo Jr. calls his show and accomplish the same thing.

Wait no, on second thought, I haven't done anything that vile to receive that fate. Don't worry Food Network, I'll be on my way, I won't take my title this year. But do know this, I will be back next year, and I will be the Next Next Next Food Network star.

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