Monday, July 2, 2012

Fireworks Celebrate Arsonist's Delight Week with a Boom

Happy Arsonist's Delight Week 2012!

For those who don't know, this is what people in the surprisingly strong arsonist's community refer to as the week leading up to the Fourth of July. Only during this week can they come out of their shell, set shit on fire and be regaled as a true American.

Happy Arsonists Delight indeed.

I'll admit, last year I kind of berated fireworks and their extreme pointlessness. But that was last year, I was just a kid who didn't know any better. I didn't realize the true meaning of fireworks. I didn't realize that fireworks equal legal arson, legal arson equals fireworks. I thought melting stuff was the way to go, but not this year.

To put it simply, fireworks take the work out of fire.
Cherry Bomb Exploding
Cherry bomb goes boom. See how easy that is. Please
do ignore the maimed children laying just outside the shot.

This might seem counter intuitive, after all, the word itself places “fire” next to “work,” making it seem much harder, but nope, fireworks have been proven to be an arsonist's dream.

There's no easier way to blow up stuff and maim people under the guise of fun than with fireworks. Sure, concentrated hydrofloric acid squirt guns come awful close, but you have to deal with telling the government why you need a permit for so much melty stuff and even then the G-men will probably just use the acid themselves.

Fireworks have none of those issues. Way back in the dark ages before we had fireworks (1973), arsonists in training needed to find some store that sold both gasoline AND a firemaking solution, like a lighter. Surprisingly, these were hard to come by, because even at a place where you'd expect to find said items, generally the clerks glared/winked at you when asking what you were planning on doing with this “unique” combination.

But fireworks can be used for the following applications during this special week. Maiming children. Maiming adults. Maiming dingos. Maiming dingos eating babies, thus saving said child, unless firework also maimed child (if so, see the second application of fireworks). Making Smores. Making bad Smores. Melting stuff. Making Elvis happy during his annual firework battle royales.

What versatility!

If your neighbors complain about the noise, or your second born child complains about the loss of sensation in one of his extremities, don't worry, just keep lighting. This is the one three day period when you can do that, and those problems will solve themselves by the time you're done celebrating America's independence from some other country. Wrists grow back, right?

So as you're roasting your Fourth of July BBQ this week over the carcass of an expended tank firework or smoking your turkey leg over a technicolor smoke bomb, take the time to sit back and realize none of this would be possible without fireworks. Fireworks truly do take the work out of destruction.

Have a merry Arsonists' Delight Week 2012!

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