Monday, July 4, 2011

Celebrate your nation's independence by melting a small chunk of it

Well, it's the Fourth of July, and that can only mean one thing—fireworks. Or at least it used to. I might have grown tired of the litter, pollution and inexplicable playing of “Born in the USA” inherent to fireworks. Those aspects are kind of uncool, but even worse, by watching them, you might be viewed as a Katy Perry “Firework.”

Setting off fireworks this year would seem like you're just jumping on this Katy Perry bandwagon. Sure there's 200 years of firework-lighting history going against her, but she has more top 10 hits than Francis Scott Key could ever dream of having.

Don't do fireworks, no matter how much your boobs want to explode.

But don't you lose heart, there's a much better, much less I Kissed a Girl-intense way to celebrate our nation's independence (although if you're my inexplicable Brazilian reader, you can take this to mean “that” nation's independence). This year, celebrates America's independence not with fireworks, but with melting things. To make it an even better noun, well call it America Meltanza 2011.

Sure, the Star Spangled Banner mentions bombs bursting in air, and that might apply to fireworks, but probably in one of those hidden verses deep down that nobody ever sings—AKA verse 2—there's line about how bitching awesome melting stuff is. The latter verses probably include something akin to the following stanza.

Oh melting stuff is really sweet
Because it turns stuff into puddles
And that stuff then becomes soft
Then hard!
So melt stuff because of freedom!
And George Washington!
And other freedom related things!

Melting things takes all of the good of fireworks and has none of the bad. There's no pollution, no high costs or noise ordinance violations that causes your friend's dad to nearly get arrested. Even without these it still has oodles of flame. All of the good, none of the bad.

My plan for this holiday is to melt some thoroughly British thing. After all, this is our independence day, and we are out of their British rule. So I will melt something like an Agatha Christie play, apple pie or Sting. The only problem is many of these acts would result in charges of manslaughter, which are probably just as illegal in Britain as they are in the land that birthed me. I need some other target that exudes Britishism.

I suppose I could break into a Madame Tussaud wax museum and melt some of the sculptures there. There's probably several thousand depictions of the royal family (“This is Prince William when he was attractive. And this here is Prince William now.”). But doing this just seems too bush league. Melting something that's designed to melt takes absolutely no skill. Yet, melting Michelangelo’s David, which is both made of stone and makes me giggle to look at it would be great, but alas, Michelangelo is not British, and my endeavors would be wasted.

Although Mr. Scott Key was apparently really into the melting of things, you'll note I'm having trouble deciding what to actually go after. Only after much pondering and much thought, did I hit upon the most perfect possible solution for my melting problem. I'm going to melt some tea!

Much like the teapartiers of the 1770s did, and the teapartiers of the 2000s misinterpreted, I will take my magnifying glass of justice and blast forth on a teabag. As it smolders away and melts, I'll see vague traces of the “Manufactured in China” sticker and know I'll have done something to make my country proud.

Sp happy birthday America, you enjoy your melting of stuff. I'm certain it will make a fantastic puddle-like thing.

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