Monday, July 11, 2011

The Boxcar Children Mystery #139: Why Has Kevin Never Boxcarred?

Henry! Jessie! Benny! Quick, we must go to the old abandoned firehouse. There's an easily solvable mystery that for some reason adults cannot solve, but us plucky children and our readers should solve it, unless they're really stupid and/or were not raised inside of a boxcar. BOXCAR CHILDREN ASSEMBLE!

And that's how I came to be a member of one of the most vaunted and respected groups of mid-20th-century-sibling-crime-solving-do-gooders-raised-in-the-titular-boxcar-that-bears-the-name-of-the-series-which-is-called-“-The-Boxcar-Children-”.

But wait, I must go back so you can fully understand the story. Henry, Jessie, Violet and Benny were were abandoned by their parents / their parents died. With the oldest at only 14-years-old they decided to live in a Boxcar, instead of with their bazillionaire uncle. I think they did this, because they realized how catchy the “Boxcar Children” name was and knew there'd be marketing possibilities in the future.

However, on page two of the first book, they change their mind and move in with him, probably because he had sanitation. Since they no longer lived in the boxcar, they solved the mysteries that commonly befell them. From a bus station mystery to the benefits of engaging in a uranium fight (“The Boxcar Children Mystery #4: Mystery Ranch).

Growing up, my life was all about the Boxcar Children. I think that's because for the first eight years of my life, I rode rails. Back and forth on that boxcar I went, uncovering mysteries and, of course, engaging in the vaunted uranium battles with my siblings.

This didn't actually happen. That was a mystery right there, but you didn't solve it. If “boxcar” were a verb, you'd totally be boxcarred from the Boxcar Children right now. But I solved it. That why they're letting me be a Boxcar child. Henceforth, I shall replace Violet. As Benny put it, “No big loss. Tremendous gain though! You'll boxcar right in with us!”

Don't worry, my presence in the book will not wreak havoc upon the Boxcar continuity. Established Boxcarrers know after author Gertrude Chandler Warner died (during the middle of “The Boxcar Children #19: Benny Uncovers a Mystery), a series of hack ghostwriters came in and took the children to weird, wacky and ultimately stupid places. Suddenly college grad Henry reverts to a 14-year-old, the boxcar became an abstract metaphor for the repeal of the theory of conservation of mass and Benny became a sassy black penguin from outer space who would proclaim “That's a penuintastrophe!” as his catchphrase.

As I said, don't worry, I won't do to you what David Foster Wallace did. I will make a Boxcar Children that's made pure and out of love. I will totally Gertrude Chandler Warner your world!

So I proudly present to you the phenomenal story of “The Boxcar Children #20: The Violent Violet Murder Death Mystery.”

“So, as I, Kevin Nelson, was saying, the old abandoned firehouse. Lots of weird stuff going down there,” Kevin Nelson said.
“Well, let's investigate it,” said 25-year-old Henry, who is actually 25-years-old and not 14, while this seemingly would disqualify him as a “children,” he is.

The Boxcar Children and Kevin Nelson hopped in their fully automatic boxcar and headed to the scene of the crime. Nobody in that fabled car knew the terror they were about to encounter.

Benny hopped out first and found the bloodied body of Violet Alden, his least liked sister. Although she could be kind of bitchy, he was saddened to lose her.

“Why Violet why, who could have done this to you? I'm pretty sure I didn't” he wailed.

Kevin Nelson quickly stepped in and offered a plausible solution. Kevin Nelson incorporated the fact that a traveling circus had set up next to the abandoned firehouse.

“Don't you guys recall how you used to always do battle with evil diabolical clowns?” Kevin Nelson proclaimed. “Remember in the Caboose Mystery, there was that clown who needed help and you all cold-heartedly told him no, and that his juggling skills left much to be desired? I believe it was like your 10th mystery together.”
“I do recall that, although I'm pretty sure that was our 11th adventure together,” said Henry.
“I don't count 'Mystery Ranch' as a 'story,' Kevin Nelson replied.
“Join the club!” exclaimed Henry.

We all had a good laugh as rigor mortis set in on Violet's body.

“Well then, we must kill some clowns!” Kevin Nelson said with authority.
“I agree,” said Jessie.

Many librarians hated The Boxcar Children, because it depicted children out on their own with little parental supervision. At this point I must say that's why I support the 'Children, because I could describe the gristly carnage that occurred at that big top. But who has time for that? Let me just say, the clown entrails dripping from Benny's mouth was simultaneously cute and disturbing.

“Make em squeal!” Benny yelled as he tossed aside a flower that shoots water in people's faces.

With the clown menace decimated, The Boxcar Children freely poured one out for their dearly departed sister. Don't worry, I'm not forcing underage children to drink, that would go against Ms. Warner's wishes. Keep in mind, Henry is like 25!

“Well, the next time one of our siblings unfortunately dies, I hope you can help get us out of that pickle,” Benny said to me, Kevin Nelson.

But will another one of them die? Did the clown menace actually eviscerate Violet? Will the Boxcar Children ever ride another boxcar? Find out all that and in the amazing and awe-inspiring 21st real Boxcar Children adventure.
Well gee, talk about a spoiler alert!

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