Thursday, July 28, 2011

A highly rated critique of the MPAA system

The following entry is rated PG-13 for scenes of intense partying, depictions of nun chucks to the head, the inapropriatest use of modifiers, sacrilegious use of ear wax and a couple fucking bits of profanity.

Oh wait, that introduction only makes sense if we still used the old MPAA movie rating system (and this were a movie). But we don't. It's been replaced with a new and great movie rating system. The Kevin Nelson totally subjective but lawmaking ratings system.

But first, a little history on where I'm coming from and why the old system didn't work.
Under the old MPAA system, I could
not call "Toy Story 3" a "Fucking
good flick."

Under the old system, ratings were seemingly arbitrarily assigned ratings. They might earn a G, PG, PG-13, Sex with Animals, R or NC-17. In theory, this worked, but in practice, many people could work around the system.

For example, it always helps to have your last name be “Spielberg.” While his version of “Debbie Does Dallas” did appeal to families slightly more than the 1978 original (although its introduction of aliens into the third act orgy was... unsettling), the name alone lifted it above other films and received an accessible family-friendly PG rating (for scene of intense alien-on-man intercourse).

Now I know This Film is Not Yet Rated proved the MPAA consists of numerous fuddy duddies who value violence over sexual depictions or language. Heck, they'd probably be pretty chafed by my “fuddy” descriptor in the last sentence, not to mention the verb chafe in this one (twice!). So they can't really be trusted to anything with regards to taste.

Which is why I'm the only person smart enough, capable enough and sexy enough to enact “Kevin Nelson's Scale O' Movie Awesomeness As Ascribed by Kevin Nelson.” That's right, I'm Kevin Nelson.

As I said, the MPAA system arbitrarily moved movies amongst very defined ratings. If a movie exceeded the amount of curse words prescribed by a rating, it automatically gets bumped up. Even largely family fare like “The King's Speech” felt the wrath of this system.

I'll change things up by not caring about language or violence or even content for that matter. If I like a movie, it means everyone should see it,

I thoroughly enjoyed Fight Club, so that movie would earn a 3W rating. That means anyone older than the age of three weeks should go see that movie, it's just that good.
Better get used to this rating.
Conversely, if I hate a movie, it will get the dreaded skull and crossbones rating. While our pirate-obsessed society might view that as a good thing, it's actually bad. Think Mr. Yuk, not Mr. Sparrow. If anyone does end up seeing movies with this rating, it's an automatic death sentence. I agree, this sounds harsh, but keep in mind it will cleanse the world of countless movies like “Whip It” or “Knight and Day.”

And don't worry, I only actively despise about one in three movies.

Some movies will definitely fall into the middle of the road. Those ones will get a Taco Bell Double Decker Taco rating. This means the movie might have good parts and bad parts, but as long as you have a delicious and heart healthy Taco Bell Double Decker Taco at your side, the movie is totally bearable. At this point, I should mention my rating system will also force theaters to allow patrons to bring in delicious Taco Bell Double Decker Tacos, or be forced to watch “Whip It” (which I've established is a literal death sentence).

And that's it. We only need those three ratings, and suddenly the system works again. We'll cut down on crap, pre-teens will see the requisite amount of bloodily sexual decapitations, and we will all rejoice along with delicious Taco Bell Double Decker Tacos.

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