Thursday, September 6, 2012

Excuse Me, May I Cut in Line?

Heads. Tails. Budding. Cutting in line. Chickity China, the Chinese Chicken.

Whatever you called it, anyone who ever went to a form of organized school and/or kickball game knows systems like this are necessary to propel to the front of any type of line. With a new year of school now in session for just about everyone, BreakMentalDown has decided to take a look at some of the technological advances that have revolutionized this time-saving concept.

We’re sending our own Kevin Nelson undercover to Walt Whitman High School in Bethesda, MD to find out the latest in line cutting trends. And if this “Never Been Kissed” sort of set up results in him ending up with “Alias” star Michael Vartan, all the better.

Here’s Kevin.

When I first showed up at Walt Whitman High School, I didn’t know what to think. I knew kids were going to be cutting in line, I mean that’s the most efficient way to score countless Cups of Dirt or Tuna Surprise, but how they accomplished it surprised me.

Back in my elementary school days, a couple of the very progressive line cutters came up with the concept of “heads for heads.” This isn’t nearly as dirty as it sounds, basically the administration outlawed giving either heads or tails, but people could circumvent this system by giving “heads for heads.” The budder would have a compatriot in line who would offer them heads if the budder then gave heads back. It basically worked out as giving tails, but the two wrongs make a right principle allowed it to be all good and legal.

Artist's conception of Kevin standing in line, since of course,
Kevin did not actually sneak into any high school.
Apparently two wrongs don’t make a right, as this system of line cutting prompted many glares when I tried attempting it. At least I assume that’s what the glares were from, not from the fact that a 28-year-old hard horned in on prime high school mating season.

And speaking of high school mating season, this is actually how the system of “heads for heads” works nowadays, except they dropped one of the s’s in that statement, and it is as dirty as you’d think it is.

Another thing we never had when I was in grade school, or even high school for that matter was smart phones. Let me tell you, this is a total game changer for the entire industry. No longer must children focus on ways to get to the front of the line one person at a time, they can take out entire swathes of line with a simple call to the fire department or sexting a pic of Mrs. Anderson, the mousy librarian who apparently has a wild side. The rotary phones of my youth stared in wonder at this technological advance.

As I went deeper and deeper into the seamy underbelly of line cutting, I found out even as everything is changing, the more they stay the same. Wanting to get to the front of the line, I pulled out one of my classic statements from my HS playbook.

“Oh my god, they put raisins in our Jell-o cups!” I shouted. Wave after wave of children stormed out of line when I let out this vile tidbit.

As I said, as things change, they stay the same. And I know I can use this in my adult-world life. While I have absolutely no interest in getting the iPhone 5 when it comes out on September 21, I do look forward to using my line cutting skills and being the first person to not buy one in line at an AT&T store, because really, who would want a cell phone with raisins in it?

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