Monday, September 3, 2012

The Man Who Worked Hard to Make Labor Day Had Three Flavors

As everyone is sitting down to enjoy a nice cold Labor Day Dom Perignon, I have just one thing to say to you all. Shame on you. You probably think this is the day when everyone celebrates everything that labor has ever accomplished. And that is just not so, Labor Day is nothing without Flavor Day.

As a Labor Day baby (yes, my mom was in labor on Labor Day) I was born with this knowledge imbued into my psyche. To truly celebrate Labor Day, we must take a look back into the bloody history of this momentous holiday.

Peter J. McGuire Inventor of Labor Day
A rare file photo of Peter J. McGuire.
Do note the 2 flavored Neapolitan
mustache he's sporting.
Labor Day started in turn of the 19th century France. But it didn't actually start out as “Labor Day.” Instead, Baron von Peter J. McGuire, a French noble started out the day as “Flavor Day,” a celebration of the delicious ice cream that McGuire so thoroughly enjoyed. To be precise, Peter J. McGuire loved the Neapolitan style of ice cream, as he felt it perfectly blended chocolate and vanilla ice creams in a taste described as “truly divine.”

What's that you say, there are three flavors in Neapolitan ice cream? Well, keep reading to find out more of this sordid tale.

Peter J. McGuire went around forcing everyone to sample this “unique” flavor and, of course, used his considerable power and wealth to strongarm various government and dictatorial regimes to highlight his made up holiday. Many people compared him to a modern day Augustus with his tyrannical overthrow of social mores.

“You'll never believe this, you think you're gonna hit chocolate, but then it's vanilla, and that vanilla is actually chocolate, so it's full circle, but it's not full circle, but it is full circled in a less circled but total vanilla and chocolate circle,” was one of McGuire's catchphrases. Yes, a catchphrase, meaning before the heat of battle with whatever legislature, he'd repeat this saying. Constantly. Like four times for every normal sentence.

Understandably, the people grew tired of this. Sure, they gave in to his demands and created the renowned “Flavor Day” to be celebrated worldwide, but they also murdered him and compacted his flesh and bones down, placing it into the Neapolitan ice cream he loved so much. While this might sound kind of gross, it's reassuring to know his flesh tasted of strawberries, and the decent ice cream suddenly had a third flavor and the ability to be recognized as the Neapolitan we know it as today.

Neapolitan Ice Cream
Neapolitan ice cream as we know it today. Do note
the presence of Peter J. McGurie's cartilage.
However, all of that murdering and food scientisting worked up a great hunger in those noble proletariats, and they decided they needed a day to celebrate their hard work and accomplishments. Since everyone had already penciled in the first Monday of September to celebrate Flavor Day, they simply dropped the first F, got Lavor day and then changed it out of the evil French dialect to result in the Labor Day you're currently celebrating by eating watermelon.

So have a happy Labor Day, but do realize it is a holiday built on the blood, sweat and tears of Peter J. McGuire. And I mean that in the most literal sense. Please do enjoy the delicious Neapolitan ice cream. It DOES have chocolate and vanilla AND strawberry flavors and it is delicious.

Although, maybe this Flavor Day baby just really wants some Neapolitan ice cream.

Homer Simpson with Neapolitan Ice Cream
It's okay Homer, there's still plenty of organic matter.

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