Monday, September 17, 2012

Argh, Talk Like a Pirate Day Be Subjugating People, Matey

Pirate Clip Art
This pirate clip art is just part of the problem
Talk Like a Pirate Day used to be one of my favorite holidays. It was right up there with Christmas and Arbor Day on my list of occasions I look forward to. But then Talk Like a Pirate Day 2011 happened.

Last year for this holiday, foolish me wrote this piece on talking and pirating for a particular day. Laughs were had by all as I exposed pirates for what they truly were (drunks, stabbers, meanies) little did I realize I could offend people with my language.

I received the following email from Fancypants Baird Dawkins, esquire, a Zoning, Planning and Land Use lawyer stationed outside of Chicago, IL. While most everyone will celebrate Talk Like a Pirate Day on Wednesday, I encourage you to read over Dawkins' words and just try not to feel ashamed.

“Dear Sir,

With anger and disgust I read your diatribe against the pirate people. You reduced us to catchphrases and various stereotypes that were laid to rest years ago.

I realize the reason pirates were so feared is because we once ran a bad P-Argh campaign, but we can move beyond that.

Yes, I am a pirate, all the way down to me timbers, and there's no question that makes me shiver. But I am accepting of this past, and I've used it to motivate me. Raised on the gunwales of the Mary Celeste, I faced challenge after challenge. Sure, I wanted to just plunder my four years of undergraduate and law school at Columbia, but I didn't. Instead I put me nose to the ground and secured those ayes by meself. My pirate past hindered me, but also aided my life.

We pirates are just like anyone else. We like our grog cold and our wenches with torn bodices. Belay those stereotypical pirateisms. We are a proud people who are known for being the scourge of the high seas. Those, those, those somali pirates, they don't even know how to say argh. They, they make me so angry matey!

Ahem. Really, Mr. Nelson, we just want to be taken seriously. We're not just poofy shirts and tri-corner hats. We also do things like rape and pillage. Ermmmm, build charities and teach children how to sail, just like Blackbeard taught us to do.

That was a pirate joke for you there—since Blackbeard's real name was Edward Teach. Argh, that's good.

Jeffy Seinfeld Pirate Shirt
Nobody wants to be a pirate, Jerry Seinfeld

Our subjugation has caused us to commonly be placed on the losing end of the pirates versus ninja debate, those pajamaed ninnies, and... and... I... I... I Argh matey, I just can't take it! There's a reason the song goes “It's a pirate life for me” and not “It's a Zoning, Planning and Land Use Lawyer's life for me.” The second one doesn't even make sense rhythmically! Bilge water I say, bilge water!

Avast me beauty! I be thirsting, fetch me the grog and perfor' sexy!

Pirately yours,

Admiral Dawkins, esquire.”

See, his undercover pirateism seems to have really messed with his mental state. Just think of that the next time you decide to subjugate an entire people by making a pirate joke like “What do Jewish Pirates say? Ahoy vey!” You're insulting two racial groups, matey.

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