Monday, September 19, 2011

Avast, we be talking like pirates on this day matey!

Yargh matey, we about to have yo ho ho and a bottle of... fun! That's right, anyone who's celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day today, will certainly have more fun than a fortnight in the brig. Let the rum flow from the galleys, we be pirates today. Yargh.

Now how exactly do you celebrate this day? I suppose it's obvious that you add “ayes” and “avasts” to normal conversations. It's even better if you have your parrot do some of this. But after that, you really come to a dead end—there's nothing else you can do... ay?

But wait! In the spirit o' the day, you be a pirate, you can be true to thee pirate roots and steal things. And not just booty and Keith Richards mannerisms, you can steal entire concepts. And one of the best things to steal is a party. That's right, it's not just Talk Like a Pirate Day, you should also celebrate Party Like a Pirate Day. Bring out the gunwales, the bandanas and canons. Don't worry about peglegs, if we do this correctly, someone will have one by the end of the night.

While many of the Hollywood tropes associated with pirates be hellaciously wrong, they're also a whole lot of fun. Go ahead and strap six pistols to ye chest! Duel at dawn! Open rum bottles with ye hook hand!... please note, if you do have a hook hand, you can (and should) do this every day. Play Liar's Dice, thar game loved by pirates and Chinese perverts alike! If you can' think up anything, take in a viewing of the “Pirates of the Caribbean” quadrilogy for inspiration.

One of the best pirate parties I've ever attended occurred because of a really weird typographical error. It seems the host used some really weird typeface (Times New Roman) and thar r's looked like l's. Keep in mind, this isn't the start of some anti-Asian joke, it's merely a typeface joke. As a result of said typeface joke, thar pirates who were supposed to be at the party were joined by yoga lovers wanting to celebrate the joy of pilates.

Half the people showed up with their sextants, tri-corner hats and love of Jimmy Buffett, while the other half showed up with their yoga mats, embroidered water bottles and love of Jimmy Buffett. This might seem like cats being invited to a dog party, but since the pilates crowd consisted entirely of upper middle class types, the pirates could make jokes about pilatgesing them—a hilarious portmanteau combining pilates and pirates and showing how the pirates anally violated said housewives.

Speaking of pillaging, a common mistake with “Talk like a pirate day parties” is actually setting up a pillaging room. They elaborately lay out the wenches, booty and drunken first mates. While this might work for a moon landing party, it just doesn't for pirates. Face it, it's no longer 1969! You have to let the pillaging occur in a natural and organic fashion.

I realize I might have made light of pillaging, but it's something pirates DID do to pass the time between fatalities related to gangrene. There's a reason the old joke goes “Who was the most feared pirates of them all?... Blackbeard,”—it be because he did all that raping and pillaging.
But with the Disneyfication of pirates, and endless pirate vs. ninja scenarios, in pop culture, pirates are kind of viewed as buffoons. Mere jokes. People don't seem to realize that pirates were mean. If given the opportunity, a pirate would eat the last Fig Newton or refuse to pet your adorable cat. They wouldn't even return your phone call for three whole days. They'd hold out just to the point where you thought the voice mail didn't go through, and then bam, they'd give you a ring. Yeah, pirates sure aren't pussy like Johnny Depp has made them out to be.

Now that you know how to throw an awesome Talk Like a Pirate Day party, go out and celebrate. Take your body shots off a dead man's chest and celebrate a pirate's life for me. Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day, matey.

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