Thursday, September 15, 2011

Do not take KevinNol--ever

Why hello there, I'm a really cool dude. But do you know what makes me even cooler? KevinNol sure does! Without it, I'm uncool, but with it, I'm very cool! KevinNol is cool!

(Cue montage of me doing cool things like demolition derby-ing, making Kool-Aid, magnets, writing pi out to the 7th digit, sitting. Keep in mind, this is all done in a really cool fashion.)

Wow, KevinNol sure is cool!*

*Do not take KevinNol if you plan on becoming lame within the next 12-20 weeks. Do not use KevinNol as bootleg Red Bull. KevinNol does not actually like you. KevinNol is your friend. The world is better with KevinNol. KevinNol is not bipolar, and don't you try and claim it is! Since KevinNol is a sugar pill, it will cure diabetes. KevinNol isn't a placebo, but a world class panacea. KevinNol does not actually work. KevinNol is your friend. KevinNol tastes delicious, something akin to boxed mashed potatoes, but actually good tasting.

Do not consume KevinNol if you are allergic to KevinNol. We cannot tell you what exactly goes into KevinNol, but we will confirm it may or may not have roofies in it. Do not consume KevinNol if you are allergic to roofies.

Oh, hello there. Amongst all that disclaimer, you probably got lost in wonder and amazement at the benefits of KevinNol. And I cannot fault you for that. This product is truly amazing. Sure, I don't know what this thing actually does, and it's probably just a whole lot of cumin mixed with a handful of Thetans in capsulated form (yum!) but man, it certainly lives up to all of its marketing claims! Mainly the fact that it doesn't work! Errmmmm, that is it doesn't work at not working! KevinNol is amazing!*

*Under all the disclaimers for the disclaimers, you probably didn't realize it, but I've entered into the lucrative world of drug making. Wait, let me rephrase that... I've entered the amazing world of KevinNol.

Many out there might think this endeavor just doesn't jive with me. But I do enjoy making money, and it seems like off-brand manufacture of potentially dangerous chemicals in a setting akin to a mid-level meth lab has always appealed to me. But as with any startup, I've encountered my fair share of problems. The biggest one is all I've really done is thinking up a bitching name. Oh, a bitching name and a list of frightening, yet totally plausible side effects. Certainly this is the exact same process Bob Ritalin went through when trying to name his wonder drug.

Sure, I have a very weak chemical knowledge background (my B+ in the easy Freshman-level chemistry notwithstanding) but like any drug manufacturer, I can make up stuff that sounds horrifically awful but include the vague promise of maybe doing something adequately and all will be forgiven. The copays will then rain down from the heavens, and I will be free to roll around in said copays—naked.

It might seem kind of uncool to laugh at all of the lower class people who don't have my Scrooge McDuck level of riches. But, did I mention I'd be doing it while on KevinNol?

So jump on the KevinNol bandwagon, and you will certainly make all your dreams come true*

*Please note, this will only make the dream come true for Mr. Kevin. But if you help support him, that makes you cool in his book.

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