Thursday, September 8, 2011

Seattle braces for heat wave with melted deodorant

Since it's currently the early September time of the year, that means it's the time when Seattle gets a small heat wave and I get solid hard splotches of white on my pants.

Wait, that didn't sound right.

It's the time when Seattle freaks the hell out, riots bust out and every place that even considers carrying a fan gets looted. Oh, and I get solid hard splotches of white on my pants.

Much better.

I'm sure this isn't limited to Seattle, but it's certainly prevealent here. As soon as the mercury starts ticking upwards, people start freaking out. Suddenly Seattleites realize they don't have fans or sunglasses and the heat is seemingly insufferable. They wait in line outside of Target or Wal-mart with the vain hopes of getting a fan. However, they must realize they live in a city of like-minded folks and there will only be seven fans for the taking by the scrappiest of heat sufferers.

No, this wasn't the site of premature excitement, and a bird
didn't number two on me. And I'm fairly certain a bird didn't
prematurededly excite upon me--this is where the
deodorant melted.
And where's the hard splotch come from? As a relatively recently minted Seattleite myself, I'm not immune to the freak out. I made the foolhardy mistake of thinking it wasn't going to get to hot and left things of note on the inside of my car. Crammed into my car I had the usual suspects, the pets and small children and pets mauling small children. Everyone has those. I keep three sets in my glovebox alone. But strewn amongst that carnage, I made the mistake of leaving a tube of deodorant in my car.

Despite Hulk Hogan movies giving me the perception that deodorant could keep people dry and living on the surface of the sun, it apparently could not stand Seattle “summer.” Before heading out to work, I took the tube off of the passenger seat and opened it up. Instead of meeting a nigh solid-stick-of-odor-fighting awesome, the entire inside glurped out onto my pants, shoes and keys.

The weirdest part about having liquid deodorant melt upon you, aside from writing that previous clause, is that almost immediately after it occurred, it solidifed and bonded to those surfaces. It accomplished this even before I could finish saying “Awwwwwwwww mannnnnnn!”

From this whole experience, I do have a new understanding for my city's reaction to heat. All year, we know it's coming. All year, I should know deodorant is an object, and objects are capable of melting. All year, we know this time of year will require fans or air conditioning. All year, I should know melted deodorant doesn't have the odor fighting ability of its intact brethren.

What I know for certain is this is all a cycle. The temperatures will cool off, allowing all deodorants worldwide to fuse back into their solid form. The mad rush to get fans will be replaced by a mad rush to get heaters. The liquid drop of deodorant will suddenly become the pleasing aroma of an adequately scented individual.

So, Seattle and world at large, continue to enjoy this time of warmth, continue enjoying your melted deodorant, lord knows I will.

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