Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ample Samples Fulfill Grocery Prayer

Tortilla. Watermelon. Cheescake. Ridiculously good turkey wrap with amazing pickles. Yellow cake. Mint chocolate chip cake. Vitamin. No, this isn't the makings of a kick-ass party, it's what I encountered on the greatest free sample day of my life!

Yes, it is quite the impressive haul, but I have been working for months on how to cultivate the best sample getting run. I have developed a foolproof method to expand one's belly sample-sized-portion-cup by sample-sized-portion cup. Danny Ocean and the guy who actually kidnapped the Lindbergh baby (Amelia Earhart) will be truly impressed with your thievings.

A mere five steps stand between you and gluttony.

First off, let out a little prayer. However, this should not be directed at God, Ganesha or Odin. No, you need to direct this prayer at the lord of all samples. His name is Allen. Tell Allen which grocery store you're going to and the types of samples you'd enjoy. Don't just say you want cake, as this might make a vengeful sample god who might only dole out something inedible like mushrooms wrapped in tofu with a sprinkling of Good & Plenty dust sprinkled on top. Be reasonable with you requests, and Allen will justly reward you.
Allen (artist's conception)

When you actually get into the store, your prayer-altered sampling tables will probably look worthy of the Taj Majal. You'll probably want to rip off all of your clothes and roll around naked, absorbing the samply goodness into every major orifice—you might even strategically place a doughnut or Cheez-It somewhere. To this I say excellent idea, it's like you've already read this entry.

Thirdly, eat the samples.

Next, and this is important, go back through the line. Grab more samples. Try claiming your younger brother is feeling sick and couldn't come out sampling with you. It's amazing how the old Halloween trick that never actually worked back then suddenly works in the realm of sample. It probably helps that you're most likely still naked.

Finally, get even more samples.

One problem with free samples is people tend to think you only deserve one. However, if there's no sample maven hanging out by the table, you are free to go back to the table as many times as you want. If store security tries shutting down your operation, feel free to point out 1. They're a security guard... at a grocery store... who is probably making the biggest bust of his career and 2. The term is free samples. Samples. With an s on the end and a free on the front, you'd be foolish to not take a multitude of sample goodness..

Some might think I'm approaching this all wrong. Everything involving Allen and my finely chiseled gluteal muscles are unnecessary for life-giving sample delight. They claim this because of Costco. Or Sam's Club, really they're the same thing.

I do realize these places free sample meccas, the spot every sampler must go to sometime in their life before they die. But it's not my prime choice of free sample spot. Going there, you know you're going to get samples, there's no risk. A grocery store on the other hand may have food, they may not, you don't know until you get there! … plus who wants to pay for membership? Allen sure as heck wouldn't.

The final bit of advice I can give you is to sample everything, no matter how off it might seem. In the world of sampling, we definitely rate quantity over quality. There's a reason I drink that horrendous “green” drink at my grocery store, and it's not because I love the taste of kelp.

So go out there and get your free samples. Do it for Allen, but do it mainly for the possibility of trying something that could be good, but probably isn't, but is definitely free.

No comments:

Post a Comment