Candy Corn M&Ms--They Weird in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hands!

“Hey, do you wanna go behind the bleachers at the high school and eat some crunchy candy corn?”

If a drug dealer were to say this you, you’d probably think Walter White had broke further bad and figured some way to make some sort of orange meth. But when a candy company exec proclaims it, it can only mean one thing—White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms.

While “crunchy candy corn” is one way to describe this candy frankenfood, there’s another descriptor that’s even better—“Weird. Weirdly good.”

This might seem like the fondest of praise, but for something that has so much working against its concept, it’s holding the candy in high regard.

You got Candy Corn in my M&M!
You got M&M in my Candy Corn!
What?
Delicious!

The initial bite is weird. There’s no other way to describe it. I approached it wondering which flavor would overpower the other. It shocked me to find out that neither flavors did, they just existed in a neutrally chocolaty candy corny coexistence. When combined with the crunch of the candy corn shell, it made for a wholly unique (and weird) taste sensation.

That was my thought on the first bite. I have since gone through three more bags. In that time I realized “I’ve gone through three bags of these. They’re not weird, they’re just good!”

How did it come out so well? Sure, the constituent parts are all amazing—white chocolate AND candy corn—but combining them would just seem too decadent. But that’s what makes it work so well.

Candy corn on its own is amazing, one of the food of the gods, ambrosia be damned. White chocolate is an interesting and delicious take on chocolate, one that says “chocolate is so good, it will be even better without any chocolate in it.”

Generally with this knowledge, people have no idea what to do with it. People think “Hmmm, this tastes great on its own, so I should probably combine it with something that 90 percent of the population hates!” And this is why there are so many macadamia nut raisin white chocolate affronts to God.

Combining sweet with sweet works really well, because it amplifies the awesomeness of both candies.

Candy always tastes better when its mascot looks ridiculous.

I really think my girlfriend best summarized the white chocolate candy corn M&M experience when she had her first (and last) M. She immediately said “I can feel the cavities forming.” To her, this was an insult, but to me, this is the reason Halloween, and candy in general, exists. Nobody approaches candy with the theory that it won’t destroy your gums and will to live. People approach candy with the idea that it will taste amazingly awesome and make the 5 figure dental bills totally worth it.

That’s the reason why people who give out toothpaste and dental floss for Halloween get egged, while the people who give out full size candy bars see the same kid make slight modifications to his costume so he can go back and back and back through the line. Those people understand candy; those people understand the value of having crunchy candy corn. This is why the deliciousness that is White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms should be on everyone’s mind this holiday season.

So yes, yes I do believe I’ll have some crunchy candy corn. Behind the high school bleachers you say? Excellent.

Robin's Eggs hatching plan to make me not want to eat them

Oh delicious. So tasty. So chocolatey. So malty. A quick look at the calendar reveals it's March, and that means, Robin's Eggs. I absolutely love Robin's Eggs. Imagine a Whopper, but with a thin candy shell. The lovechild of a malted milk ball and an M&M, with none of the awful after taste.

Being such a fan of the malty delight, I decided I wanted to know more about them, where they came from, the genius who came up with them, who paints the speckles, why the normal sized ones showcase quality over quantity, basically everything there is to know about Robin's Eggs, I needed to know.

But, much to my horror, I so did know everything about them.

I called up George Jones, a product designer at Hershey's. I figured my contact on the inside would know a thing or two about why such a delicious product remains so scarce on the shelves 11/12 of the year. We had the following conversation.

“Hey George, I noticed the batch of Robin's Eggs was really good this year. Of course, I'm sticking with the regular sized Robin's Eggs—not such a fan of the bite style of the mini eggs, although it does have a higher candy shell surface area.”

“Yeah, nobody likes the mini ones, not sure why we keep them around.”

“Anyway, as I said, I'm loving the orgy of eggs right now...”

“Yeah, everyone likes orgies, not sure why we don't do them much.”

“... yes. But continuing, why does this... gift of delicious candy only come during the Easter season? Why not make them available year round?”

“This is robin orgy season.”

Indisputable photographic proof of the
robin's eggs killing fields.

“You really need to get off that.”

“No, it's true. This is the season when robins get amorous and lay a lot of eggs. We can then package them and sell them at an extraordinary profit. Oh... crud. Please don't print those last two words. Also should probably avoid the deviancy”

But before he could finish that sentence, I had already hung up the phone. With just a slight slip of the tongue, this sexual deviant candy designer had let out the biggest secret of any candy season—Robin's Eggs are actually robin's eggs. Please take note of the capitalization.

And for those of you who didn't like grammar class, Robin's Eggs come from real, actual robins.

Obviously there's a conspiracy afoot. Robin's were happy before we started eating them, and now are we to believe they're still happy? The happy-go-lucky robin on the cover would certainly seem to make you think that. Also, do actual robins then have malted milk flowing through the veins. We, of course, already know they have a thin candy shell.

In addition, this thing opens up a whole can of worms. Such as vegans who ate Robin's Eggs because they taste so much better than kelp, no longer can. And every time I power through a 33 ounce bag during my mid-morning snack, I have committed genocide on one of the friendliest birds around.

Worst of all, those robins probably ate the can of worms before laying their tasty children., which means I have now eaten worms. What a bizarre bargain, I want candy, I get worms. And not candied worms at that.

Although this has kind of blown my mind, I'll still eat Robin's Eggs. Why? Because they're still delicious. And if I stockpile a lot of them, I'll have some excellent lunchtime trading fodder. Hopefully they don't hatch before September.

Ample Samples Fulfill Grocery Prayer

Tortilla. Watermelon. Cheescake. Ridiculously good turkey wrap with amazing pickles. Yellow cake. Mint chocolate chip cake. Vitamin. No, this isn't the makings of a kick-ass party, it's what I encountered on the greatest free sample day of my life!

Yes, it is quite the impressive haul, but I have been working for months on how to cultivate the best sample getting run. I have developed a foolproof method to expand one's belly sample-sized-portion-cup by sample-sized-portion cup. Danny Ocean and the guy who actually kidnapped the Lindbergh baby (Amelia Earhart) will be truly impressed with your thievings.

A mere five steps stand between you and gluttony.

First off, let out a little prayer. However, this should not be directed at God, Ganesha or Odin. No, you need to direct this prayer at the lord of all samples. His name is Allen. Tell Allen which grocery store you're going to and the types of samples you'd enjoy. Don't just say you want cake, as this might make a vengeful sample god who might only dole out something inedible like mushrooms wrapped in tofu with a sprinkling of Good & Plenty dust sprinkled on top. Be reasonable with you requests, and Allen will justly reward you.

Allen (artist's conception)

When you actually get into the store, your prayer-altered sampling tables will probably look worthy of the Taj Majal. You'll probably want to rip off all of your clothes and roll around naked, absorbing the samply goodness into every major orifice—you might even strategically place a doughnut or Cheez-It somewhere. To this I say excellent idea, it's like you've already read this entry.

Thirdly, eat the samples.

Next, and this is important, go back through the line. Grab more samples. Try claiming your younger brother is feeling sick and couldn't come out sampling with you. It's amazing how the old Halloween trick that never actually worked back then suddenly works in the realm of sample. It probably helps that you're most likely still naked.

Finally, get even more samples.

One problem with free samples is people tend to think you only deserve one. However, if there's no sample maven hanging out by the table, you are free to go back to the table as many times as you want. If store security tries shutting down your operation, feel free to point out 1. They're a security guard... at a grocery store... who is probably making the biggest bust of his career and 2. The term is free samples. Samples. With an s on the end and a free on the front, you'd be foolish to not take a multitude of sample goodness..

Some might think I'm approaching this all wrong. Everything involving Allen and my finely chiseled gluteal muscles are unnecessary for life-giving sample delight. They claim this because of Costco. Or Sam's Club, really they're the same thing.

I do realize these places free sample meccas, the spot every sampler must go to sometime in their life before they die. But it's not my prime choice of free sample spot. Going there, you know you're going to get samples, there's no risk. A grocery store on the other hand may have food, they may not, you don't know until you get there! … plus who wants to pay for membership? Allen sure as heck wouldn't.

The final bit of advice I can give you is to sample everything, no matter how off it might seem. In the world of sampling, we definitely rate quantity over quality. There's a reason I drink that horrendous “green” drink at my grocery store, and it's not because I love the taste of kelp.

So go out there and get your free samples. Do it for Allen, but do it mainly for the possibility of trying something that could be good, but probably isn't, but is definitely free.