Candy Corn M&Ms--They Weird in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hands!

“Hey, do you wanna go behind the bleachers at the high school and eat some crunchy candy corn?”

If a drug dealer were to say this you, you’d probably think Walter White had broke further bad and figured some way to make some sort of orange meth. But when a candy company exec proclaims it, it can only mean one thing—White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms.

While “crunchy candy corn” is one way to describe this candy frankenfood, there’s another descriptor that’s even better—“Weird. Weirdly good.”

This might seem like the fondest of praise, but for something that has so much working against its concept, it’s holding the candy in high regard.

You got Candy Corn in my M&M!
You got M&M in my Candy Corn!
What?
Delicious!

The initial bite is weird. There’s no other way to describe it. I approached it wondering which flavor would overpower the other. It shocked me to find out that neither flavors did, they just existed in a neutrally chocolaty candy corny coexistence. When combined with the crunch of the candy corn shell, it made for a wholly unique (and weird) taste sensation.

That was my thought on the first bite. I have since gone through three more bags. In that time I realized “I’ve gone through three bags of these. They’re not weird, they’re just good!”

How did it come out so well? Sure, the constituent parts are all amazing—white chocolate AND candy corn—but combining them would just seem too decadent. But that’s what makes it work so well.

Candy corn on its own is amazing, one of the food of the gods, ambrosia be damned. White chocolate is an interesting and delicious take on chocolate, one that says “chocolate is so good, it will be even better without any chocolate in it.”

Generally with this knowledge, people have no idea what to do with it. People think “Hmmm, this tastes great on its own, so I should probably combine it with something that 90 percent of the population hates!” And this is why there are so many macadamia nut raisin white chocolate affronts to God.

Combining sweet with sweet works really well, because it amplifies the awesomeness of both candies.

Candy always tastes better when its mascot looks ridiculous.

I really think my girlfriend best summarized the white chocolate candy corn M&M experience when she had her first (and last) M. She immediately said “I can feel the cavities forming.” To her, this was an insult, but to me, this is the reason Halloween, and candy in general, exists. Nobody approaches candy with the theory that it won’t destroy your gums and will to live. People approach candy with the idea that it will taste amazingly awesome and make the 5 figure dental bills totally worth it.

That’s the reason why people who give out toothpaste and dental floss for Halloween get egged, while the people who give out full size candy bars see the same kid make slight modifications to his costume so he can go back and back and back through the line. Those people understand candy; those people understand the value of having crunchy candy corn. This is why the deliciousness that is White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms should be on everyone’s mind this holiday season.

So yes, yes I do believe I’ll have some crunchy candy corn. Behind the high school bleachers you say? Excellent.

The trick-or-treat trick is choosing the right razor blade

Growing up, one of the best things about going Trick or Treating wasn't just the boatloads of candy, it was trying to decide which ones had extra presents in them. I'd tear through packs of Milky Ways and Smarties, Butterfingers and (ick) raisins, trying desperately to find the razor blades and cyanide capsules we'd all heard about.

I'd never poison these. That'd be like destroying a Picasso.

But I never found any.

It turns out nobody actually does that. Wikipedia confirms there have been no incidents of deliberately poisoned candy given out from strangers during Halloween. Well, Halloween 2011, we're about to change Wikipedia!

It helps that I actually live in an area where kids could foreseeably come Trick-or-Treatin' at my door. This makes the victim procurement pretty simple, and once I figure out how to “enhance” my Halloween food, I am definitely in the Halloween murder business!

I realize it's classic to defile apples with various devices of evil, razor blades and the like. But I always found this a stupid practice. I mean by virtue of being fruit, all apples are basically already poisoned anyway. Seriously, who the hell would eat an apple in a world where strangers are giving you boatloads of 100 Grands?

With that in mind, I decided to weaponize simple candy. I procured 32 razors, a bag of the best candy multi-pack ever (Crunch, 100 Grand AND Baby Ruth!), a second bag of candy to remain untainted and edible by me, some of those “Do not eat” packets from beef jerky, Blue Raspberry-flavored Meth, 12 of the “Do not tear off under penalty of law” tags from some extra firm standard sized pillows and a surprising amount of cyanide packets.

I usually use a Mach 3 razor to shave my face, so I figured that would be the perfect blade to stash away in a Payday. But have you ever tried putting a razor in candy? It's really tough work! A fun size candy bar is not nearly large enough to hold an entire razor and handle. I could go with a full size candy bar, but committing wanton acts of murder with something a corporation has declared “fun” just has such delicious (yum!) irony to it, I needed to use that size. Plus, non-fun size costs upwards of 73 cents per bar. I guess it's true when they say murder don't come cheap.

Here third grader third grader
third grader.

It looks like the cost-prohibitive razors have caused nature to pick my poison for me. When I hatched this whole candy-defiling idea, it got the attention of the FBI. They stormed my compound in a vaguely Ruby Ridge-esque fashion, but their guns and millions of dollars were no match for my crapload of razors. And the great thing about federal agents, their teeth are cyanide capsules. This is so if they're caught by the enemy, they can bite down on their tooth and not reveal state secrets. It makes it a scary endeavor to chew gum or encounter me though.

As a result of this bungled raid, I ended up with enough cyanide capsules to show off a full toothy smile. But I didn't put their teeth in my mouth, because, ew.

When Ronald Clark O'Bryan poisoned his kids with cyanide Pixy Stix, most of the group actually turned down the candy, because it was wet. I don't know if cyanide is naturally wet, since I've only seen it in tooth form, but this seems like it would definitely present a problem for my scheme. I suppose if I put one of those “Do not eat” silica packets from beef jerky, it might absorb the moisture and will not be abnormally wet. But then again, it's also telling them to not eat my poisoned candy. If that's not a catch-22, I don't know what is!

Maybe I could... no, that would work. Or possib... no. What if I dressed as a really neat thing, like a Power Ranger or Darkwing Duck. I could then tell them only cool kids mainline cyanide? That could work, but getting a supply of sterile needles for that would be too time consuming.

Oh rats, Idon't know what to do.

I'm going to have to apologize, it's just too hard to murder random trick-or-treaters. Sure, I have motive—they keep knocking on my door—I'm just far too lazy to actually create a good murderous candy. Screw it, I'm just going to give out copies of Will Ferrell DVDs and Will Ferrell shaped raisins. Killing their souls like this might even be better than doing in their bodies.