Monday, October 15, 2012

Adults Can Go Trick-or-Treating, with the Right Amount of Lies and Weaponry

So you've finally reached that tender age where you're no longer socially allowed to go trick-or-treating. For many people this comes with the teenage years. For most smart people, this comes when they turn 23.

But all these people are absolutely fools who give into the artificial construct of being “too old to go trick-or-treating.” Don't worry though, with the following eHow, you won't have to worry about getting refused candy for merely being on the Earth too long. Instead you will be showered with all sorts of deliciousness that many of your peers are foolishly giving out to other people. That’s right, with this tutorial, you won’t have to give out candy, and you’ll get some instead, putting you doubly ahead.

eHow to go Trick-or-Treating at Any Age
1.      Step one in getting on the Trick-or-Treating bandwagon is to claim you were never allowed to celebrate as a child. You can always claim something like you came from a strict family of satanists who viewed the commercialization of the holy season as an affront to their religious beliefs. This will both endear you to the trick-or-treatee and also make them fear you and your unholy family, resulting in a candy haul doubling or maybe even triple the going rate. Extreme fear will also cause them to avoid giving crap candy like Smarties.
Smarties Candy
Don't be stupid, be a Smartie and stab anyone who
gives out Smarties.
2.      You can also always claim you’re out trick-or-treating for your child who has some debilitating disease like laziness. The bonus associated with this one is you don't even need to slap together some costume. A mere “Concerned Parent” look on your face is all that you need. Plus, when they try giving you bad candy like Smarties, you can lash out at them and say “Do you THINK my Jonathan would like Smarties!?!?” Sure, they might think you're a jerk, but they should be thinking that about Jonathan, who doesn't exist. To further sell this one, practice sayings like “Oh, Jonathan came down with dysentery. What an awful time for him to start playing Oregon Trail. Give me candy.”

3.      At this point you might be getting a little squeamish about all the lies. Just sit back and realize that this is a kid/satanic cult focused holiday and using these strategies just play into that audience. It’s not Halloween without lies.

Perfect adult Trick-or-Treating
costume. Note, please use real
weaponry. Second note, please put
candy (not money) in bag.

4.      To move away from the cloak and dagger-ness of the lies I laid out, you can always just go as a bank robber (the anti-cloak and dagger). Toss on your favorite striped shirt, eye mask and automatic weaponry. When you brandish that 9×19mm Parabellum with armor piercing bullets, you know they’re going to give you candy. You can even force them to sort out all the bad candy (like Smarties).

5.      There’s nothing wrong with brandishing eggs as part of your robber ensemble.

6.      The one thing I’ll warn against is, as an adult, you might feel some level of remorse for your evil doings all throughout the night. Don’t worry, this is completely understandable. As penance, you will have to consume all the Smarties in your loot sack. What, there aren’t any you say? Well then I guess you’ve learned your lesson.

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