Monday, October 8, 2012

In 1492, Colombus Ate Brains for Two

Today is the most joyous of days, for today people worldwide celebrate Christopher Columbus Day!

I realize many people are probably thinking I've fallen into some sort of time warp back to like the 1950s when people actually cared about Christopher Columbus and his “accomplishments,” but that just isn't so. I'm pumped to celebrate Christopher Columbus Day this year, because I found out the dickish explorer was actually a zombie!

Don’t think I’m trying to make some bizarre tie in between a fake holiday like Christopher Columbus Day with a real one like the entire month of October (minus the second Monday), but new journals have recently arisen showing the ghastly zombie connection of Mr. Columbus, or as he liked to be called by his close personal friends “Senor Bone Grinder.”

Recently, historians discovered Spanish King Ferdinand’s castle butler Francisco Calderon's journal, and the tidbits revealed in it fully support the zombification of Columbus. These documents reveal Columbus spent most of his adult life as a brain hungry zombie.

An excerpt.

Senor Columbus sauntered into the room with the type of swagger stereotypical to someone not of this earth. He went up to the leader of our solemn nation and growled out a greeting.

“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd,” the future explorer uttered.
“Oh Christopher Columbus, why ever are thee talking such silly talk? You didn’t even wish me the fondest of evenings,” the Spanish king responded in a surprisingly British sounding dialect.
“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd,” Columbus reiterated.
“Now now, Christopher Columbus, we’ve certainly had our fun for the day with all the laughing and talk of nonsense. But you, you scurry along now, you delightful scamp!”

Zombie Christopher Columbus
I didn't even need to apply a filter to make
Columbus look like a zombie in this picture
At that point, Columbus definitely scurried, but it most certainly was not along. The conquistador to be flung himself on the savior of our land. After several bitter bites, various gnashings and cheap shot or two to Queen Isabella, the two men continued their conversation.

“Brainnnnnnnnnns,” said Ferdinand.
“No! Brainnnnnnns!”

It went on like this for three days before they finally agreed Columbus should set sail and discover new lands.

In hindsight, this all makes a lot of sense. Just think about it, the smallpox that subjected 90 percent of the native population to death? Zombies. How he thought he was in Asia, despite the presence of no Asians? Zombies. The horrible slant rhyme scheme of his ship naming? Brain dead zombies. How he made everyone call him “Bub?” Day of the Dead zombies.

Finding out that he had these zombiely instincts actually makes me like Christopher Columbus just a bit more. By the time I was in elementary school, the public education system was villifying him for all the enslavement and death he caused, not to mention the time he stole  Henry Oscar Houghton’s milk money.

But with these documents, I actually feel better about whole-heartedly (and whole-braindedly) celebrating Christopher Columbus Day today. Christopher Columbus apparently wasn’t some guy who decided to subjugate an entire continent of people just because he was a dick He did it because he was a zombie… who was also a dick.

The best part about this revelation is zombies have the capability to live for eternity. With the right amount of TLC, and, well, brains, they can lead happy, healthy lives. And that means Mr. Columbus could still be gallivanting this earth. What better way to celebrate his namesake holiday than by eviscerating his head with a chainsaw—I actually believe that's how Arbor Day came about.

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