Monday, September 26, 2011

Celebrating the joy of getting me presents

Happy September 26th!

Oh, and for those who don't realize the momentousness of this day, let me explain. September 26th is officially 90 days before Christmas (88 before Festivus) and we celebrate by planning out every single present you're going to get for me.

While it's nice to have such a splendid holiday in my honor, I really don't ask for much, just get me everything from the 12 Days of Christmas song. And you don't even have to do the stupid ones! Just replace all of those instances with “Nachos” and I'll enjoy my 364 nachos.

As for the rest of you, I have used my intense retail experience to formulate a list of the top toys that hoarders will, as their name implies, hoard. Don't let a “Tickle Me Elmo” happen to you, read this list, learn it and shop it. Your offspring and sexual acquaintances will love you as a result.

Sports Equipment: Imagine being a kid waking up Christmas morning and hobbling downstairs, excited to see what Ol' st. Nick has brought. Needless to say, any kid will be super pumped to receive a brand new BoomerFoot, fresh off their left leg. And parents, the great part about this is it requires very little investment. You probably already have an industrial-grade-reciprocating-sternal-bonesaw left over from various kinky activities. Instead of using it for deviancy, use it to saw off said child's foot and get them started in one of the most innovative and cool sports since Bocce Ball.

"I think I can I think I can I think I can crush this
bottle all over your face, bitch!"
Musician Mascots: One of the big trends of this year is classically loved mascots becoming musicians. This results in Mickey Mouse rocking out to “You Really Got Me,” Elmo going on a Rick Allen-inspired drumming explosion and Thomas the Tank Engine repeatedly hitting Percy the Small Engine with a bottle of cocaine-rimmed Hypnotiq liqueur.

I really like this trend, because it combines previous ones. Obviously kids nowadays have no interest in playing guitars or drums, but several years ago, Rock Band ruled the world, and this trend harkens back to that. Combine it with the trend of liking Mickey Mouse, a relic of the 1960s, and you have a potent combination.

Used Kleenex: Usually this gift gets given as a last minute “I got nothing!” gift. That just reeks of desperation (and snot). However, if you plan out like 95 days in advance, this gift will seem like a truly thoughtful undertaking.

Baby strapped to rolling luggage: While this is only sold at Target stores, its sheer ingenuity will allow it to fulfill its intended message of popularizing child endangerment. As the name implies, this “toy” is a baby doll strapped to rolling luggage. Some might claim this is so a kid could bring it with them on vacation and not have to take up valuable space. While this might be true, it also makes children more pre-disposed to BDSM participation, which I do believe is the intended goal of the toy.

Children are never too young to
learn the joys of reckless
child endangerment
Cargo Pants: who wouldn't want to relive that amazing week in March 1998 when you really had to think of which pocket you put your Chumbawumba 8-track? (Hint, it was one of the cargo pockets)

Breaking Bad action figures: What's the number one television show for children aged six to 13? It's not iCarly, nor Hannah Montana. It's not even “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” It's “Breaking Bad.” The dark dramady about the joys of meth cooking just resonates with this audience, probably because they've encountered many similar experiences whilst cooking in their Play-dough kitchens.

And this is why the “Breaking Bad” action figures will be a huge seller this weekend. The gang all gets their own 3.75” representations. Everyone from Walt to Gus to Walt Jr (with kung fu grip). Jesse even has a special voice box so he can say “Bitch” and the “Meth Lab Action Playset” actually makes blue raspberry flavored meth. Kids will love breaking bad and not having to deal with the Mexican cartel.

This is just a sampling of the things you should be in the process of purchasing. If you don't though, it truly shows you don't love your loved ones. Oh, and have a merry September 26th!

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