Monday, October 10, 2011

Coming up with Halloween costumes gives an awful fright

Ug from Salute Your Shorts. Arrested Development's Mr. Banana Grabber. Heart from Captain Planet. Flying Spaghetti Monster. Motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane. Trotter, the Upright Citizen's Brigade member with a poo stick. Preparation H Raymond. Evil Dead's Ash.

I have been touched!
If this sounds like the greatest mash ever, you're just about right. But to the best of my knowledge, they have never gotten together to party, let alone mash. What they have done is served as my Halloween costumes for the past seven years. And as a result, they've raised colossal expectations for my costume this year. I do not know if I can meet them, since I have no idea what I'm going to be.

Many people take the easy route. They purchase a reasonable approximation of a licensed character. But this costume doesn't actually make a person look like the character, but like someone who purchased a reasonable approximation of said character. They usually spend $30-$15789032 on said approximations.

Random aside, as an employee at Target, one guy came into the store on October 30th and asked where the costumes were. The thing is, he looked exactly like Jon Gosselin. I didn't want to tell him where the costumes were, I wanted to tell him that nature had put him an Ed Hardy shirt and an annoying kid (Aaden) away from a perfect costume. I only shied away from this, because there existed the outside chance that it actually was Jon Gosselin. And then I'd feel like and idiot. And for Jon Gosselin to make someone else feel like an idiot would be too much for me to handle.
Not captured in this picture is the
totally sweet tail fin I created.

I always keep my costs under that $30 mark by shopping at thrift stores, going to the ghettos of K-Mart and using real sticks to construct my poo-sticks. These cost cutting measures result in cheap and amazing outfits.

It would be so much easier if I were a girl. I could always be “Sexy (Fill in the blank).” And anything can go into the blank! Like Sexy Caterpillar, Sexy Boutros Boutros-Ghali or Sexy Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2. But my maledom prevents this from occurring.

My goal for costume creation is to have roughly three percent of people understand it, but from those three percent, 110 percent will fervently love it. I'll never forget someone wanting to shake my hand because of the Snakes on a Plane outfit or someone seeing Preparation H Raymond from behind (big ears and a burlap sack) and demanding a tube.

Currently I'm considering several options for my Halloween costume. But each one presents its own issues. Odds are, I will not go with any of these, but merely thinking of them will guide me along in the process.

Say it right or pay the price!
Leonard Selby from “Memento”: The tattooed amnesiac with a heart for vengeance seems like a perfect costume. So great, in fact, I actually suggested my brother go as this one last year. When he didn't, it immediately moved to number one on my costume list. The initial thing holding me back is it would require dying my hair bleach blond, and then I'd look like a douche. Things became even worse when I actually watched the movie and realized Leonard has no facial or hand tattoos. If I want the Memento effect to come across, I'd have to be half naked. And October is too cold to be half naked.

Kevin McCallister from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Another early front runner. I always thought I could have played Kevin in the original movies, mainly because my name IS Kevin, and I wouldn't have had to learn how to respond when people called to me. All I would need is a red sweater, and the costume makes itself. But again, that blond hair issue comes into play—I'm not dying my hair.
Masturbating Bear: A great idea, but do you realize how much the combination of a bear costume and a band to play “The Sabre Dance” costs? Prohibitively expensive.

Look! A Seagull!
Title character from the hit show "Social Morays": This show is insanely popular, so public opinion seems to demand it. The problem with having a show made by using sock puppets is when you try making a costume from it, people just assume your an insane sock puppet talker and avoid you at parties.

Character from Rejected: Anyone who has ever seen Don Hertzfeldt's “Rejected” will remember it features the greatest scene of anal bleeding to ever occur on film. And that will pave the way for the greatest costume about anal bleeding as well.

Come to think of it, I literally cannot reject that last one. All I need is a white sweatshirt, a sharpy and a whole lot of blood, and the costume is made.

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