Monday, October 3, 2011

Mellowcreme Pumpkins Need a Pumped Up Name

Finally we have arrived in October. That means a lot of things, things like my brother's birthday and celebration of Columbus Day (circa 1920, when people still cared about him), but the one thing everyone should look forward to comes at the end of the month—Halloween.

I love Halloween, it's a holiday that's pure and fun with no delusions of religion or lack of candy. As a result of this love, I'm dedicating every Monday in October to the great holiday of Halloween. Prepare yourself, you are about to enter Break Mental Scare.

As I've established, one of the great Halloween candies is candy corn. It's easily identifiable, it tastes great and probably cures cancer, but it's not the best Halloween candy. That title goes to its related, but different cousin, the Mellowcreme Pumpkin.

You probably know it as that big blob of flavor in the Autumn Mix. Although it's freaking huge, it commonly gets overlooked. And I think I know the reason for this—nobody knows what to call them. Sure, they have a name, but the name sucks.
They might look mellow now, but the way they
destroy your hunger is anything but!
I aim to change that. I will find a new, non-sucky name for this delightful Halloween delicacy.

First a brief examination of why it has this unfortunate name. It seems the Brach's company patented the name “Mellowcreme Pumpkin” and then decided it would make even more sense to name one of the ingredients mellowcreme. But I think calling something what it is works out really stupidly from a branding perspective. That'd be like calling a McDonald's hamburger “It's made from the same stuff it's packaged in.” Sure, that name has some kitsch value, but the fact that it ends in a preposition really messes its marketability up.

Now, let's compare the humble pumpkin to candy corn. Th latter name works out great, because candy corn actually contains the product it should resemble—corn. Candy corn is basically a whole lot of solidified high fructose corn syrup formed into vaguely cone shaped items. And that means they have corn in them. However, we can't expect to put actual pumpkin inside of the mellowcreme, because that would only detract from the flavor perfection. Note to self, make a corn flavored candy.

As an aside, within the Autumn Mix, Witch's Teeth should be avoided at all costs. It seems like the combination of chocolate and candy corn should be like The Travelin' Wilbury's—the perfect combination of Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, George Harrison, and (cough) Roy Orbison. Instead it comes out like Milli Vanilli—the worst possible combination of Vanilli on top of Milli. I'd imagine if the Witch's Teeth manufacturers used some non-Hershey's level of chocolate, it could be good. But they don't. So it isn't.

With that amazing crash course, it's now time to develop the new, way more awesomer name. As a connoisseur of all things mellowcreme, I am the perfect one to come up with these.

Smashing pumpkins – You might say this name is already taken by the band, but don't worry, they haven't made good use of it in years. It would work really well, because face it, the pumpkins are really smashing! However, I think we should save that name for some sort of mellowcreme-pumpkin-encased-Pop-Rocks. Note to self, create the ultimate food of mellowcreme encasing Pop Rocks.

Pumpkin bombs – this would be a great name, since the pumpkins are bombs of amazing flavor. However, that stupid Green Goblin character already has squatter's rights, and just imagine trying to order a “pumpkin bomb” while on an airline. Note to self, I need to fly more airlines that serve mellowcreme pumpkin cocktails.

Y6R3Y5B1 might seem like an odd name for a candy. It could seem too futuristic robotic for some, but it's the Yellow 6, Red 3, Yellow 5 and Blue 1 food colorings that give these orange little guys their luminous colors. Without them, there are no pumpkins. With them, there is delicious. However, a robotic name like this would probably result in the creation of cyborgs who exist solely to eat Y6R3Y5B1s, meaning less for me, and thus we dump the name.

Pump-it-up-kin, when you do really need it
Pump-it-up-kin until you can feel it
Tasty Candles if you close you eyes while eating the pumpkins, I imagine they taste like candles. Very tasty candles.

Pump-it-up-kins is a great name, because the pumpkins really pump up people. It even helps that a name like this sounds like some unholy combination of Elvis Costello fans and bumpkins, and that's actually the angle I'm trying to achieve. The plan is to get them to murder each other, leaving the name free for the taking.

So get pumped up, because you'll no longer have to explain what a mellowcreme pumpkin is. You can just say “Pump-it-up-kins will pump you up,” and nobody will know what the hell you're talking about.

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