Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Rapturous Apocalypse Now Redux

Previously on “As the Rapture Turns,” we were told the world was going to end by a crazy coot named Harold Camping, threes of people believed him, mass hysteria didn't hit when everything happened as expected (nothing) and the world came to a bloody end as the apocalypse took the souls of every living Christian.

One of those didn't happen.

The Giant Floating Cat of Outer Space prevented
the last apocalypse, because it wanted to bat around
the planet.
But then the big twist occurred—the world was never supposed to end on that day, instead a secret invisible alien creature god (SIACG) used this time to secretly judge if he should end the life of every good Christian soul. Then on October 21st, we'd find out what he decided. M. Night Shyamalan responded by saying if the world didn't actually end, he'd definitely steal that plot for his next pile of crap.

While we don't know which way SIACG is going, the world will probably end tomorrow. Why else would he make a big show of showing up (in invisible form) to pass judgment (invisibly) if he didn't want to end most life in the non-invisible world?

So it seems SIACG will rapture the good souls on October 21st, and for real this time. I'm actually kind of looking forward to this event, because if it's as goofy as Harold Camping predicts, it will be quite memorable—that is, before roving bands of mutant zombie dogs feast upon the flesh and brains of the remaining humans.

One of the key aspects of this end of the universe prediction involves strict adherence to time zones. Camping predicted the world will end at six pm local time, everywhere. This precision guided rapture knows exactly what time it is everywhere and will adhere to them as it brings about the end. It doesn't matter that time zones constantly shift and nobody really knows what time it actually is. It doesn't matter that Indiana can never decide if it wants to follow daylight savings time. It doesn't matter that China has one official time zone but Tibet has an unofficial second one. SIACG is much bigger than mere people and their artificial time constructs, but he will use it to ensure their end.

Now that we know the time of death, how exactly will this occur? Earthquakes. Lots and lots of earthquakes. The six pm D-hour will see earthquakes hit in every time zone. I love this because it's like Camping has never even looked into how plate tectonics work. An earthquake isn't going to say “Gee golly, I've come to an arbitrary lines that's redrawn constantly. I guess I will stop quaking for the next hour before continuing.” It will definitely be interesting to see that earthquake shatter Omaha, NE, because there's actually no way whatsoever for an earthquake to occur there.
Even a toddler can see there's no way earthquakes could
occur in the majority of the world. Especially not at
six pm everywhere.

I imagine the areas bordering time zone lines will also see massive tourist dollars come in as everyone will want to straddle the line dividing -900 GMT from -800 GMT. One side will feature absolute chaos while the other will be relatively sane. Those who are going to ascend can straddle the border and have half of their soul go to the great beyond while the other half remains behind to fester and die before rising in an hour's time.

This really excites me, because it will be like the time when my roommate stole sneaked into a construction site and stole the blue prints for the 5th floor of the building. Upon completion, I'm certain the first through fourth floors were completely normal, and the sixth floor met building code. But when you entered the fifth floor, there were constant garbage fires, hobos, billy goats eating kumquats and rickshaws. These borderlands remained intact while the center was destroyed.

Knowing all of this in advance, I'm still taking a flight on October 21. I certainly hope my pilot is the scum of the earth, because that will ensure he doesn't rapture and can safely land the plane into the mess civilization will have become. I might even slip some cocaine into his mid-flight coffee, just to draw him farther from the point of good and keep us flying safely.

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