Monday, April 16, 2012

Dragons are a drag on just about everything

Last night, authorities found another one of my friends, Galahad, burned to a crisp. They sufficiently ruled out spontaneous combustion, so that leaves only one rationale for my friend's untimely demise...

Spontaneous combustion.

Wait, they already ruled that one out. This leaves only...

Planned combustion, caused by dragon.

That's right, dragons, scourge of all things living. Something I hate, but everyone seems to love. That is, everyone except Super Mario and me. All they do is set things on fire, snort and throw hammers. How could a concept like that endear itself to so many people?

Yet people are always defending them and promoting them as about THE coolest thing ever to walk/fly on four legs. They always proclaim them as misunderstood geniuses. But dragons must use the same PR people that sharks and spiders use.

People will claim, “Oh, they're more afraid of us than we are of them. Let's respect our mythological friends!” But that's a statement that's patently false. Just like how spiders are responsible for the destruction of the once booming megacity of Billings, MT, dragons are responsible for untold deaths and genocide. They do this all with being completely mythological creatures.

This clipart displays dragons as adorably cute...
And at least when spiders feast upon the living, they're doing it so they can survive. A dragon torches random people/items/POGs just to be a dick. They might as well be vegetarians. Carnivorous vegetarians, but vegetarians nonetheless.

These publicists also are quick to push forth things such as “Puff the Magic Dragon” and the fact that the dragon boss was the easiest baddie to beat in the NES classic “Zelda.” Those might be incredibly valid points, but dragons, at their hearts (if they have them), remain evil sociopathic killers. There will never be a Boo Radley-esque dragon, because that defies all logic.

How can we make society learn to hate dragons once again? In medieval times, they accomplished this by allowing dragons to feast upon villagers by the score full. Some might have say that was actually the black plague, but nope, it was dragon attacks. Dragon attacks and lack of “Arrested Development” on television accounted for 93 percent of all deaths during that dark age.
But all dragons are diabolically evil. Most even
have a watermark like this one!

When everyone realized that black plague never actually existed, they started hating dragons. We just might need a global pandemic and then suddenly there's no things that make dragons seem positive. To farther drive home the point, I would cite other areas where dragons are portrayed positively, but I think I have blown through them all.

Regardless, I do believe I've convinced everyone we should dislike dragons. Otherwise, I'm going to have to unleash a wave of plague sauce, and that never ends up pretty.

In conclusion, dragons, they're not good. Galahad will never be the same as a result!

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