Thursday, April 5, 2012

You'll have Easter Egg On Your Face, If You Hide Them Poorly

Not there.
Nope, guess again.
Like I'd even think of hiding it there.
You are currently bearing witness to Easter egg hunts Nelson-style, and you know it's only going to get worse from here on out.

Look at how many eggs this kid found!... Talk about
an Easter egg hiding fail.
Many people stopped doing Easter egg hunts when they realized the Easter bunny was a sham, or they turned six—whichever came first. I kept up the hunt until I was 19. But please, cut me some slack, I engaged in the sport for so long, because I loved the competition of it. I had stopped believing about a benevolent Easter creature at least five years before that.

My mom and oldest brother spent hours upon hours hiding upwards of 40 eggs. They didn't do lame hiding spots like in the carton of eggs or in the antechamber behind the hidden bookcase. They didn't hide anything in plain sight. Those would be far too lame to actually use. Instead, they got creative. Taped to the ceiling, hidden atop blinds, the mystical land of Narnia, placed in the cap of a bottle of Tide. Anywhere that existed (or did not) was fair game for the hunt.

We couldn't actually use real eggs for this. No matter how fun they are to paint (they're not), the awfulness of forgetting a fantastic hiding spot can be bad. Very bad. Sure, it's great to hot glue an egg to the undercarriage of the horse carriage that was brought in just for the occasion of hiding Easter eggs, but by Labor Day, those things start to reek. Not only that, but by virtue of being a real egg that means they can't contain results in having no Robin's Eggs on the inside of them, and that is a truly tragic waste of egg hunting time.

But I've already talked about Robin's Eggs, that's not the reason you're reading this. The reason you've clicked through here is to find some excellent egg hiding spots. Now I realize not every house is going to have an anti-matter device like we do and the Mir rests at the bottom of the ocean, but that doesn't matter, you can still use those excellent hiding spots. Just use the anti-matter to raise the Mir out of its watery grave and drop an egg in the airlock before tossing it back into the watery depths. Just see if anyone gets the Peeps in that one!
Next stop, Mir.
Another really good spot is tucked away within the special features of the Ben Affleck/Sandra Bullock starrer “Forces of Nature.” Please note, I did not choose “Gigli,” or “All About Steve,” because who in their right mind would even bother with those special features? No, I chose “Forces of Nature,” because if someone drops to the level of desperation of seeing more “chemistry” between Affleck and Sandy, they just might need a little jellybean pickup (hidden in the background, over Sandy's right shoulder as she talks about Superstring Theory).

Creating some master race of Easter eggs that have legs is definitely a grand idea.

I've saved the best hiding spot for last—your egg competitor's soul. It's just a spot they'll never think to look. They'll be too focused on finding eggs within the physical realm, which this strategy avoids. Although, then again, this all hinges upon if they actually have a soul, and since they're trying to steal your hard earned chocolate, they might not have one. In that case, hide it behind a clump of grass—nobody in their right mind actually has outdoor

So this Easter weekend, enjoy the hunting and the hiding, just remember, it's not over there.

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