Monday, August 20, 2012

Beaker Bocker Beaks Sock-in-a-Sock in Battle

It's sleepover time, and that can only mean one thing. No, not that, get your mind out of the gutter. I'll rephrase, it's sleepover time for a bunch of nine-year-olds, and that can only mean one thing. Beaker Bocker fights.

Again, get your mind out of the gutter, I said they were nine! What I'm referring to is taking your sock and placing it in another sock to make a form of crude weaponry, generally used to inflict mortal wounds upon fellow sleeper overers.

Why are they called Beaker Bockers? I actually have no idea. I just know that's what my brothers and I called them growing up. It's like the mountain lion of sleepover weaponry. You wanna call it a Beaker Bocker, feel free! Sock in a sock? I don't see why not. For a brief while, I even called my Beaker Bocker weaponry “Awesome Boom Boom Sauce,” and that sauce instilled much fear in the hearts of my competitors.

Although that didn't actually happen, I've only ever referred to my Beaker Bockers as Beaker Bockers. Having heard someone refer to it as a sock-in-a-sock while in my early 20s, I was completely in shock. Something I had known all my life was something completely counter to something someone else had “known all their lives.”

Only a Beaker Sock Sock Bocker fight would solve this life-threatening threat. But before I could engage in this battle, I must ask the question, why would nine-year-olds resort to this form of weaponry when they had easy access to actual weapons like pillows or that MAC-10 that Billy's dad keeps unlocked a way in a thoroughly pointless gun safe.

Then I realized we must keep in mind, these kids are nine, and no parent in their right mind would let children of that age use a pillow, it will just get sucked into the ickiness of a bed wetting episode from which there's no escape.

But nine-year-olds do have access to socks. And what's a sock but one step away from being a sock in a sock?

Because of this ease of creation, I have decided to bring back Beaker Bockers as a full-on-27-year-old adult in a sort of Hunger Games-esque fashion. Let me warn everyone though, once the word on Beaker Bockers gets out, everyone will be bocking. Society as we know it will collapse as everyone succumbs to cotton-inflicted injuries. You can survive this though with general knowledge of sock-in-a-sock philosophy.
Please note how my Beaker Bocker instills
fear in my cat.
For survival, always carry a pre-made Beaker Bocker with you. I don't care if this necessitates going to the store and purchasing a whole package of socks to make your weaponry. If it's pre-made, you have no need to fear. Most Beaker Bockerers will just use the socks they have on, and although it's a simple step, placing the sock inside of another sock is an action that can take upwards of 39 seconds, depending on how many knots they tied in their shoes. That's time in which they might be brought to death at the hand of your pre-made sock weaponry.

Some might say this runs counter to the philosophy of placing socks in a sock, but to those people, I say they've obviously never been nine years old, and thus they deserve a cotton coated death.

I realize with this whole endeavor I'm ushering in a dystopian future. And I'm actually okay with that, because if anybody does take issue with the whole ordeal, I've got a sock serendipitously placed within another sock. Who wants some?

Score one for the Beaker Bocker nomenclature group, my sock placed within a sock has won out. My Beaker Bocker wins.

No comments:

Post a Comment