The Cover Letters that Didn't Work Part 1: The Unsafe Ad

I recently secured myself one of those job things. For people who don't remember any pre-Great Recession times, a job used to be when you'd do work an people would give you moneys or kittens in exchange.

In Recession times, this became much harder to do. And it's during this time that I wrote several hundred cover letters. They ranged from straight businessy, to the one... to the one you're about to read in its entirety.

Please note, the following cover letter did not get me a job. In fact, it would probably only be capable of doing that in the fields of advertising or Men Without Hats roadie-ing. And there's already too much overlap between them anyway.

It did, however, let me breakdown in a very Don Hertzfeldt-ian fashion that helped me write the letters that got me positive notice.

Oh, and at this point, you might want to cue up Men Without Hats' “The Safety Dance.”

Subject: The Safety Copywriter

We can ad if we want to

We can blow your client's mind
'Cause if I write creative copy and develop brand,
Well, we're in for a good time.

Say, we can ad where we want to
A place with expanded mind
And we can ad like we come from out of this world
Leave the real one far behind

They can see!

My copy can go where you want to
Writing is fun and so am I
And I can impress real neat with copy to a beat
And surprise you with my agency vibe

Say, we can wow the client if we want to
If we don't nobody will
And you can act real true and be totally moved
And I can write like a Shake-a-speare

And say! We can ad, we can ad
Everything will reach our goal
We can ad, we can ad
We're doing it from pole to pole

I can ad, I can ad
Everybody look at my resume
We can ad, we can ad
You should really take the chance

Safe to ad
Oh well it's safe to ad
Yes it's safe to ad

We can work if you want to
We've got all your thoughts and mine
As long as we can dream it, never going to lose it
Everything will work out right

I say, we can ad if we want to
We can work it anytime
'Cause I work at Target, and if I need the time off
They surely won't decline

I say, we can ad, we can ad
Everything's under control
We can ad, we can ad
I'm doing it for $15 per hour

You can contact me, you can contact me
Everybody look at my resume
You can contact me, you can contact me
You really should take the chance

Well it's safe to ad
Yes it's safe to ad
Well it's safe to ad
Well it's safe to ad
Yes it's safe to ad
Well it's safe to ad
Well it's safe to ad

It's a Safety Ad
Well it's a Safety Ad
Oh it's a Safety Ad
Oh it's a Safety Ad
Well it's a Safety Ad

-With respect to those brave men who foolishly do not have hats,
Kevin Nelson